I'll Come Back For You
by DreamingofSilence
Summary: Human AU. Set in WWII. Ludwig is an aspiring doctor who meets the eccentric artist Feliciano at a train station. With only letters and a promise keeping them together, Feliciano suddenly stops responding. Ludwig embarks on a journey, traveling all over war torn Europe in hopes of finding Feliciano, keeping their friendship, and perhaps creating something more.
1. Chapter 1

**hi people, I read a lot of sad fics and I wanted to make a sad series myself so here we go uvu**

* * *

Nobody ever listened to the people with the signs who screamed 'the end is near'.

They were out of it. They lost their minds. They had sinned, and now payed the price by making a fool out of themselves in the busy streets of Berlin.

Ludwig sighed as he flipped the page of the newspaper he was reading, trying his best to block out the troublesome noise. It distracted his reading, as he skipped some words and had to reread the sentence to completely understand it.

"Tensions rise between Germany, France, and Britain," He muttered. He scoffed and shook his head. "So is this what everyone is getting so riled up about?"

Ludwig folded the newspaper, not wanting to read anymore, and tucked it inside his briefcase. He sat back against the wooden bench and crossed one leg over the other.

"E-Excuse me?"

The blond looked up, raising an eyebrow when he was met with the face of a scrawny looking young man. His hair was brown, and his amber eyes looked like tears were forming in them. A peculiar curl that Ludwig focused his attention to twitched. He clutched the straps of his knapsack and cleared his throat.

"Yes?" The German man asked.

"I-I'm sorry for bothering you, but... what time is it?"

Ludwig reached inside his jacket and took out a pocket watch, flicking it open.

"1:42." He said.

"And when is the next train?"

"It should be arriving at 1:45."

The man nodded. "Thank you. May I sit?"

"You may." Ludwig replied. The man smiled and took his seat next to the blond, putting his hands on his knees, tugging at his pant leg.

"It's quite noisy here, isn't it?" He asked, a chuckle in his voice.

"Quite."

"A bit disturbing, if you ask me."

"Very."

The man looked at Ludwig, whose gaze was lost in the view before him. The train tracks were situated right next to a field, where several flowers of all kinds were growing among knee high grass.

"What's your name, sir?" The man asked, fiddling with his dark brown tie.

"Ludwig." He said simply, glancing at his pocket watch. His face remained serious, yet on the inside, he was anxious of the train's arrival.

"Mine is Feliciano."

Ludwig looked at the odd brown haired man and blinked once. "That name isn't German."

"No, it isn't. I-I'm from Italy."

"Oh? What're you doing all the way out here?"

"Um," Feliciano shifted. "I-I'm an artist. So I travel a lot. I just go where the wind takes me. Well, not really. I get lost easily."

Ludwig nodded once and, for the third time, looked at his watch. 1:44.

"What about you, sir?" Feliciano asked, smiling innocently.

"I'm a doctor in training," Ludwig replied, not looking up from the watch. "I'm going to Frankfurt to continue my studies."

"Really? So, you went to college and stuff?"

"I did."

Feliciano's expression lit up. "What's it like?"

The German tilted his head. "What do you mean? Haven't you gone to university as well?"

"No, no," Feliciano looked down, his expression becoming solemn. "My family was too poor to afford it. I've been living off of selling my paintings, but there are only so many people who appreciate art."

"I see."

Ludwig looked up, sighing in relief as he watched the coal black steam train approach the station. He stood up and looked at Feliciano, who whistled absent-mindedly.

"Is this your train as well?" The blond asked.

"Hm? Oh, yes!"

Feliciano hopped up and skipped to the platform just as the train pulled up to it. Ludwig wondered how this man could be so full of energy. Dismissing the thought, he shook his head. He just wanted to get away from the ruckus the other people at the station were causing.

When Ludwig got on the car, he noticed everyone had already settled in, everyone except for Feliciano, who stood in the middle of the car as if he had never been on a train before.

"Um-" Ludwig started. Feliciano turned around and smiled nervously.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, not wanting to bring attention to himself. The other passengers were already staring at him like he had two heads, anyway.

"Come with me." Ludwig sighed, walking past Feliciano to the back of the car. The back was always the most peaceful, the blond thought, and he almost always went there, if the front was full or not.

The two settled on a wooden bench, similar to the one at the station, Feliciano sitting across from Ludwig. The former sighed as he took off his knapsack and placed it beside him.

"Have you never been on a train before?" Ludwig asked.

"Well, I have," Feliciano began. "But this is the first time I've been able to afford tickets for a more... upper class car."

"I see." The blond muttered.

"I-Is the food here complimentary? I don't have much money left..."

"Um," Ludwig stammered. "Perhaps I can pay for your lunch?"

Feliciano smiled brightly. "R-Really?!"

"Sure, sure. German hospitality."

"Oh, grazie! Grazie mille!" The brunette cried. He calmed down a few moments later, using his sleeve to wipe the small tears forming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," He muttered. "I don't usually have people be so kind to me."

Ludwig nodded. "It's fine."

The two in silence for most of the ride, save for the times when Feliciano would try to strike up a conversation in an attempt to get to know Ludwig better. The blond would simply reply with a word and two, and that'd be the end.

"You know," Feliciano started with a sigh. "The view is so beautiful. It makes me want to draw."

Ludwig looked out the window and raised an eyebrow. They were surrounded by a mere grassy field- what so beautiful about that?

"I don't understand." He admitted. Feliciano giggled and smiled.

"It's so quiet and peaceful. It sort of makes you forget about the possibility of war."

Ludwig scoffed. "You believe that too? Nothing is going to happen. There will be no war. The Fuhrer is too smart to get involved in _another _possible world war. "

Feliciano slightly smiled. "It's nice that you think like that."

The blond rolled his eyes. "Do you have any reason for going to Frankfurt? Or is it part of your travels?"

"Oh, I have a reason. It's my brother. While he was in Frankfurt, he became terribly ill. I'm only just now able to see him since I've been saving up."

"What's he sick with?" Ludwig asked, feeling a tang of pity pull at his chest. There was a still, heart-aching silence. Feliciano pursed his lips and shakily exhaled.

"Cancer," He muttered. "Of the brain. It's spread to his eyes so he's almost completely blind. It's so aggressive that the doctors said there's no point in trying to help him. He's due to die next month."

"Oh..." Ludwig said, looking away. "I-I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

"It's okay." Feliciano forced a smile. He opened his knapsack and took out a leather sketchbook. "He still has a little sight left, so while he can still see, I want to give him this."

He flipped to a page in the book and handed it to Ludwig, the blond widening his eyes in awe.

"D-Did you draw this?" He asked. "It's amazing."

The picture was of a small, chubby child who looked much like Feliciano, though Ludwig could only assume it was his brother, holding a daisy, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were closed and a small smile crossed his face. Small wings sprouted from his back and a halo hovered above his head- the child was an angel.

"Si, I did draw it," Feliciano explained. "I took many trips to the Vatican while in the process of drawing it."

"I see." Ludwig quietly said, closing the book and handing it back to Feliciano.

"Um, Mr. Ludwig? May I please draw you? I don't think we'll see each other after this, and I want to remember you for your kindness."

"S-Sure, uh, you can draw me."

The brunette's expression lit up. Instantly, he opened his sketchbook to a clean page and took out a graphite pencil. He brought his legs up to his chest, the soles of his shoes resting on the bench, and began drawing, sketching clean, smooth lines.

"Do you have any brothers?" Feliciano asked, still focusing on his drawing. Ludwig slowly nodded and stared out the window.

"Yes. One."

"What's his name?"

"Gilbert."

"Oh."

Ludwig sighed, trying his best to stay in place as Feliciano drew him. He never really liked sitting still for such a long time, and it was bothering him, but he knew there was nothing he could do for the next half hour.

"He killed himself."

Feliciano looked up from his sketchbook and tilted his head. "Pardon?"

"My brother," Ludwig said, propping his elbow on the windowsill and resting his cheek on his hand. "He killed himself."

"O-Oh," The Italian man looked back down at his book. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's part of the reason why I'm going to Frankfurt. He was buried there."

"Are you still sad by it?"

"Very," Ludwig sighed. "Everyday I think of how I could've noticed it earlier, how he was suffering. That's why I want to become a doctor. I can at least try to save others."

Feliciano warmly smiled. "That's very kind of you, Ludwig. I hope you're able to achieve your dream!"

"Thank you." For the first time since he met the Italian, Ludwig felt the corners of his mouth rise. "I appreciate it."

"You don't need to thank me, amico mio.

"Amico... mio...?"

Feliciano smiled. "That means my friend in Italian. A-Are we friends?"

Ludwig blinked once, having to think about the question. Friends. What are friends? He looked out the window. He wanted to swallow, but he couldn't. His throat was suddenly dry. For some reason, he could feel tears welling in his eyes.

"I suppose," He managed to choke out. "Hey, Feliciano. What do you consider friends to be?"

"Hm..." Feliciano smiled. "Friends are people that you not only trust, but you care about them. You like being with them. Or you can at least talk to them about stuff. Friends are nice people. I consider everyone I meet a friend!"

"I see." Ludwig said, looking at his lap.

"Mr. Ludwig?"

The German's gaze turned to Feliciano, who held the sketchbook in front of him.

"I finished it!"

Ludwig took the book and looked at it. Feliciano had drawn him looking at the car window, the smallest smile on his face. The drawing was accurate to the last detail, from the lines in his palm to the very faint freckles on his face. Ludwig smiled faintly and clutched the book.

"It's spectacular," He chuckled. "I love it. Thank you."

"I'd like for you to keep it." Feliciano said.

"Really?"

"Si."

"Thank you... f-friend."

The Italian brightly smiled, though it quickly turned to a frown when he felt the train slow down.

"Oh, dear. I suppose this is where we say goodbye?"

"So it seems."

Feliciano sighed as he ripped the drawing out the book, and tucked his pencil in his pocket. The two stood up, the Italian holding his sketchbook close to him. They slowly made their way out of the car, Ludwig turning to face his smaller friend.

"Um-" He started. He wanted to say something, but couldn't form the words. Feliciano giggled and shook his head.

"It's been very nice meeting you, Ludwig. I really enjoyed your company! Perhaps we'll see each other again, yes?"

Ludwig slowly nodded. He felt disheartened, he had to admit, to have to say goodbye so soon.

"Um, can we send letters? I want to keep in touch with you. Tell me of your adventures."

"Letters?"

"Yes. I-I'll, uh, be staying in a flat not far from here. I can give you the address and..."

"I'd love to! Here."

Feliciano quickly opened his book and fished his pencil out his pocket. "You can write down your address." He said. Ludwig nodded and quickly scribbled down the house number and street name.

"Don't forget this!" The brunette cried, handing the German the picture he drew. Ludwig slightly smiled and nodded.

"Right, right. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Ludwig. Well, I guess we'll talk soon?"

"Yes. Definitely."

"Well, goodbye then!"

Feliciano waved as he ran off, Ludwig waving back, and continued to do so until the man's bouncy curl could no longer be seen.

Standing alone at the station, Ludwig tried to hold back tears as his heart slowly shattered and the pieces blew away in the breeze.

* * *

**And that's the end of chapter one! Sorry it's so short, hopefully the next chapter will be a little longer. Thanks for reading!**

**P.S- I know Luddy doesn't have freckles but wouldn't it be cute if he did wowie**


	2. Chapter 2

**hey guys ! thanks for all the positive feedback, I really appreciate it ! here's the next chapter ! :')**

**I dun own hetalia hueuehehue**

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_I hope you're doing well! I'm still in Frankfurt, staying in a hotel. I have to leave soon though, since I'm running out of money. I'm not sure if I'm nearby you, but if I am, I'd love to see you again! I hope your studies are well? I know being a doctor is hard work, but I believe you can do it! Just work really, really hard! I'll be seeing my brother tomorrow. He's at University Hospital Heidelberg. Maybe we can see each other there? Oh my, I hope I'm not rambling on too much. I'd hate to annoy you! Well, I'll hear from you soon!_

_-Feliciano_

Ludwig stared at the letter, Feliciano's voice being the only thing he heard. He felt his heart skip a beat.

"Sir? Sir, are you listening?"

The blond blinked rapidly and shook his head. "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

"I said that the tensions in Europe are really escalating," The cab driver spoke. "Might be another world war, people are saying."

"That's preposterous," Ludwig scoffed. "The Fuhrer would never put his people in danger like that."

"He's certainly putting all the Jews in danger." The driver chuckled.

"Well, as Fuhrer said, they are the cause for all our problems."

The driver remained quiet, and Ludwig did as well, for what seemed like eternity.

"So, uh, you're studying at Heidelberg?" The driver asked.

"Yes," Ludwig answered. "But not today. I'm just visiting a friend."

"That's kind of you. It's amazing how you were able to get in there."

"Yes. It is a very rigorous university."

"And how old are you?"

"21, sir."

"Wow. You must be brilliant."

"So I've been told."

Ludwig looked out the window as the hospital came into view. He gripped the letter and deeply sighed. When they pulled into the courtyard, he stepped out the car, paying the driver.

"Keep the change." Ludwig muttered, stuffing his wallet into his back pocket.

"You have a good day now." The driver said with a small smile before driving off. Ludwig watched the car until it became a mere speck, and turned to the hospital. Its horseshoe shape and elaborate design was enough to prove its high status as a medical center.

He walked up the steps and opened the mahogany doors. The lobby was eerily quiet, and sent a chill up Ludwig's spine. It was much different from the times he'd been there before. He looked around, but didn't see the familiar face of his Italian friend. Ludwig's heart sank to his stomach, but he hid his disappointment and kept his usual serious expression. He walked up to the receptionist and cleared his throat.

"Ah..." He started, zoning out slightly, scanning the lobby once more.

"Yes, sir?" The woman asked, pushing her spectacles down her nose slightly. "Is there someone you are visiting?"

"Yes." Ludwig said slowly.

"May I have the name, please?"

He stepped back from the desk and gasped when he saw brown hair and a bouncy curl emerge from a hall.

"Feliciano!" He cried, earning looks from the other visitors in the lobby. The Italian man turned, widening his eyes slightly, surprised to see the German man jog over to him. Feliciano looked at the floor.

"Ciao." He mumbled.

"What's the matter? Are you alright?" Ludwig asked, worry in his voice. Feliciano trudged over to a seat nearby a window overlooking the courtyard, and patted the chair next to him.

"Come. Ascoltami."

Ludwig slowly walked over to the brunette and sat in the chair beside him.

"What's the matter?" He asked. He couldn't help but notice Feliciano's eyes were red and slightly puffed.

"I-It's my brother," The Italian chocked out. "He is getting worse."

"Oh..." Ludwig trailed off. He wanted to say something, though he didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth but quickly closed it.

"He's completely blind now," Feliciano continued. "He can't see anything and it's terrifying him. He said he wanted me to leave him alone... so I did."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could help."

Feliciano sadly smiled. "Even if you could, it wouldn't matter. He's dying, anyway. I'm just glad he can't see me cry. He'd probably get angry at me and call me a baby or something."

Ludwig hesitated and bit his lip. "I, ah, came to see you."

"Really? You did?"

"Uh, yes. I was very happy- er, pleased- when I recieved your letter."

"Really?"

"Y-Yes. Um..." Ludwig looked away. He could feel heat rise in his cheeks. Feliciano smiled.

"Your English is very good, Ludwig."

The blond blinked. "Thank you. Yours is, too. Where did you learn it?"

"There was this man, an English fellow, who lived nearby me. He was a good friend of my cousin. He taught me English, but not my brother. My brother didn't like him much," Feliciano giggled. "Those days were so simple."

"Yes... the past was much more innocent, wasn't it?"

Feliciano deeply sighed. "I think I might stay here. In Frankfurt."

"Is that so?"

"Mhmm. It's really nice. But, the government here is similar back home..."

"Yes, I must admit that things have changed quite a bit since Fuhrer Hitler came into power."

Feliciano nodded. "Ludwig, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?"

"Uh, 21," Ludwig replied. "I was a month old when world war one ended."

The Italian smiled sullenly. "My brother is the same age. I'm only 19."

"You're so young," Ludwig muttered. "You've seem to have gone through so much."

"I have," Feliciano sighed. "But I'm really glad you're my friend!"

"Ah, yes. I'm glad you're my friend, too."

"Hey, Ludwig? Do you still have that picture I drew of you?"

"Of course I do! It's in my briefcase."

He held up the brown leather bag, and smiled at Feliciano's brightened expression.

"That makes me really happy! Thank you!"

"Uh, you don't need to thank me."

The brunette smiled and leaned over, wrapping his arms around Ludwig. The latter blinked, unsure of how to react.

"F-Feli-?"

"I'm really glad I met you." He whispered, leaning his head on Ludwig's chest. The blond's cheeks turned red and he slowly nodded.

"Yes yes, the feeling is mutual. Now please, end this embrace. People are looking..."

Feliciano unwrapped his arms and stood up.

"Heh, I'm truly sorry. When I'm really happy, I hug people. It's to express my gratitude!"

"Express your gratitude..." Ludwig repeated, and looked down. "I, ah, well," He stood up as well and gave a small, awkward smile. "I-I believe it's time for me to go. I have studying to do."

"Of course! We'll write each other?"

"Yes." Ludwig quickly said as he turned on his heel and made his way to the front door. He took one last glance at Feliciano, and that was the last time he saw the Italian's sweet smile.

* * *

"Breaking news! France and Britain declare war on Germany!"

"After Germany's invasion of Poland..."

"Poland was invaded by Germany, and as a result France and Britain declared war..."

"Three superpowers are currently at war..."

Ludwig's hand trembled as he changed through radio stations. Each one had something about Great Britain and France declaring war on Germany; each one reminded him of how wrong he was. He groaned and turned off the radio, and quickly made his way over to his desk. He grabbed a pen and paper, his hand trembling as he wrote.

_Feliciano,_

_As you've most likely heard, war has broken out. I've told you before that I thought it was ridiculous to have another world war, but I was obviously wrong. I worry for your well being. Take care of yourself, okay? If you truly are staying in Frankfurt, I will look for you. I'll come for you. I promise._

_-Ludwig_

He quickly folded the paper and stuffed it in an envelope. Opening a drawer next to his desk, he took out a random postage stamp from a pile of them, and licked the back, pressing it to the envelope. Quickly, he stood up and walked to the front door, stepping out onto the street and jogging down the block. He dropped the envelope in the mailbox and went back to his flat.

When Ludwig returned, he closed the door behind him and slid down it, bringing his knees up to his chest.

"_When he hugged me..." _He thought. He bit his lip at the sudden jump he felt in his chest. Ludwig buried his head into his knees, tears forming in his eyes.

"Write back soon." He said aloud.

* * *

"You can't stay here forever."

"I know."

"Stop worrying over this man!"

"I can't."

"He's going to write back. Don't worry."

"I think I-"

Ludwig stopped mid-sentence and looked at the man standing in his kitchen. He snorted and pushed up his spectacles.

"You think you what?"

"Nothing."

"Do you harbor some sort of feelings for this man?"

"No!"

"You know, Ludwig," The man sighed, leaning against the counter and wiping his hands with a rag. "You're ridiculous."

"Thank you."

"You've only known him for a little bit and-"

"He's the first person to have shown me kindness and acceptance! He actually wanted to be my friend! He's caring and compassionate. I don't like him- well, I do- but only in a friendly, _heterosexual_ manner. Why would it even matter if I liked him in a romantic way anyway, Roderich?"

The man, Roderich, sighed and crossed his arms. "I wonder if my favourite cake shop will be okay." He quietly said, ignoring Ludwig's question.

"Perhaps it will."

"Perhaps it won't."

"There's always a chance for either to occur."

"I think you need tea," Roderich said, pouring hot water from a kettle into two teacups. "Oh, we both do."

Putting in the tea bag and mixed it with sugar and honey. He set one in front of Ludwig, who sat at a small table in the kitchen. Roderich sat across from him, mixing the tea with a spoon and gently sipping it.

"Thank you," Ludwig sighed. "I appreciate you being here."

"Well, I was worried about you, with the declaration of war and everything. You are my cousin after all-" Roderich stopped to sip his tea. "-And your parents entrusted me with your safety."

"I'm 21," Ludwig muttered. "I'm able to handle myself."

"Not when you've fallen into the grasps of depression. It's like you've totally abandoned your priorties! What about your studies? University?"

"We're having a war, there won't _be _a university."

"You're not usually like this."

"I'm anxious."

Roderich narrowed his eyes. "Anxious about your love?"

"We're just friends."

"Ah, such an overused line for one in denial."

"I'm not in denial." Ludwig growled. He looked at his tea, chewing on his lip. This fear he felt, the twist in his gut, made him feel sick to his stomach. He felt like he was going to upchuck. He held his hand over his mouth and looked away.

"Ludwig? Are you alright? You look a bit pale." Roderich questioned.

"I'm fine," Ludwig coughed. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Perhaps you should rest. You look terribly tired. If any mail comes, I'll tell you."

Ludwig nodded and stood up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Thank you. Guten nacht."

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_I appreciate your concern, I really do! I could have been doing better, but I'm fine otherwise. Unfortunately, I can no longer stay in Frankfurt. I'll be going to Rhineland-Palatinate tomorrow, and from there, I'll be heading west to France. I'll keep in touch with you, definitely. I hope you're not disheartened by this. I care for you a lot, I do! The war does seem very scary- I hope you'll be okay! Maybe one day we'll see each other in Milan and we'll have polenta with sausages- because Germans like sausages- and wine! Or beer. Sounds nice, si? You take good care of yourself, Ludwig!_

_-Feliciano_

"When was this letter received?" Ludwig asked, tears running down his cheeks. Roderich turned from his place at the kitchen counter and raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you crying?" He asked.

"When was this letter received?" The blond repeated, his voice a bit more forceful. Roderich blinked and poured water in a teacup.

"This morning. Why?"

"Mein gott..." He muttered. "Feliciano's leaving today."

"Is that so? Are you going to see him?"

"I-I don't know where he is. He said he's staying at a hotel..."

"He's poor, isn't he? Isn't there a cheap hotel about three miles from here?"

"Yes... there is..." Ludwig pursed his lips. "Roderich, you have to come with me. I need to see him. Just one last time."

"And what if he isn't there?"

"It's worth a try."

"Ludwig, honestly," Roderich sighed. "You're getting more and more ridiculous."

"Feliciano is my friend! I at least want to hear his voice once more! Didn't you feel that way with Elizaveta?"

Roderich's muscles tensed. "I, well- that's a different story! It was a romantic love!"

Ludwig looked down. "Roderich, I must ask you something."

"What is it?"

"What is it like to be in love?"

Roderich sighed and thought for a moment. "When you're in love, all you want to do is be with that person. Being around them is like heaven on earth. They make you so, so happy and your heart beats so fast around them. And all you do is think about them. All you want to do is be with them. That's what love feels like."

"I-I have another question. Is love at first sight actually... real?"

"Oh, it can be. I remember when I first met Eliza. I fell heads over heels in love with her. Why ask?"

Ludwig shakily exhaled. "No reason. Just curious."

Roderich went up to the blond and patted his shoulder. "I'll go with you."

"You will?"

"Yes. Now, go hurry and wash. I want to get this over with."

* * *

"Yes, a young man named Feliciano Vargas left about an hour ago. Very sweet, I must say. But he was a motor mouth."

"An... hour ago?"

"Yes. More or less."

Ludwig slowly nodded. "Very well. Thank you. Have a good day."

He quickly walked out of the hotel lobby and stepped outside, putting his hand over his mouth in an attempt to hold back tears. He leaned against the wall and slid to the ground. Roderich walked next to his cousin, giving a sullen smile.

"I'm sorry, Ludwig," He said. "Perhaps you'll see him another time."

"Verdammt." The blond muttered. He put his hand over his chest and gripped his shirt, no longer caring about the tears running down his face.

"I just wanted to see him one more time," Ludwig said aloud. Roderich wasn't sure whether or not he was talking to himself. "I wanted to hear his voice and see him smile and have his arms wrapped around me like the other day..." He took a breath and continued. "Because I felt so warm and complete when he hugged me, as pathetic as that sounds. I want to feel that way again. I should've stayed longer. Just a little bit longer..."

Roderich sighed and sat on the ground next to Ludwig. "You really care about him, don't you?"

"I think about him all the time, whether it's out of worry or to just calm myself. When I was around him, I felt happier. Even getting a letter from him is enough to make my day."

"Ludwig?" Roderich asked.

"Hm?"

"I think you're in love."

The two sat in silence, ignoring the stares they got from people who passed by them. They stayed still on the sidewalk, and it was only after what felt like hours when Ludwig deeply sighed and closed his eyes.

"I'm in love with Feliciano," He muttered. "I'm in love with my friend. I'm in love with a man. I'm in love."

Ludwig smiled, because he thought, maybe being in love wasn't such a bad thing after all, even if it was a male.

* * *

**translations:**

**1) Ascoltami- listen to me**

**2) verdammt- damn it**

**o snip snap next chapter's gonna be dramatic son**


	3. Chapter 3

**hai guys !**

**thanks again for all the positive feedback, I really appreciate it ! uvu**

**also, to answer Guest's question about homosexuals being sent to concentration camps, yes some of them were but most of them were just beaten down or shunned.**

**so I hope that answers your question uwu**

**I don't own hetalia !**

* * *

Ludwig sighed as he tightened his grip around the brown bag of groceries he was carrying. He looked around, noticing the streets looked much emptier. The hundreds of people who usually walked around were now reduced to mere tens. He had seen only one fruit vendor as opposed to the many who usually lined the blocks.

"Frankfurt is a bit lonely, isn't it?" Roderich asked with a sigh. "It cries for a friend."

"Yes. A bit saddening, I must say."

The two's attention were caught by the cries of a man, shouting something. He walked around aimlessly, saying the same word over and over again.

"Kon! Kon!" He cried.

"What's he saying?" Ludwig whispered to Roderich.

"Kon. That's horse in Polish."

"He's Polish?"

"Most likely."

The man was blond, a bit shorter than the two, with green eyes that had tears forming in them. He wore tattered, oversized grey clothes, and embedded on his sleeve was the Star of David.

"A Jew." Ludwig muttered. The man turned to the cousins and ran over to them.

"Please help me!" He whined. "My horse ran off and I can't find him! Have you seen him? He's brown with white spots..."

Roderich and Ludwig looked at each other, then back at the man.

"No, I'm sorry," Ludwig said. "We haven't seen him."

"I'm totally worried about him!" The man cried. "He got scared and ran off, and I've been searching _everywhere _for him! I-I'm worried he might have been taken by someone who's seen him... or worse! Maybe killed!"

"We're sorry we can't help." Roderich apologized.

"Oi! Judenschwein!"

The three turned, seeing two men in black uniforms and caps, carrying rifles, walk up to them. An insignia was on their sleeve- the swastika.

"Get away from them!" One of the soldiers roared. The green eyed man whimpered as he slowly stepped away from Ludwig and Roderich.

"On your knees!" The other soldier hissed.

"P-Please, I was just looking for my-"

"I said on your knees!"

Using the butt of the rifle, the soldier struck the man on the back of the knee, the blond crying out in pain as he fell to the ground. The soldiers surrounded him, chuckling evilly.

"Your name is Feliks, right? I've seen you before."

The man, Feliks, groaned as he looked up at the soldiers. "I just want-"

"You shut up!" One harshly shouted, kicking Feliks in the gut. He yelped and held his stomach, mummering something to himself. Roderich and Ludwig watched in shock and horror as the soldiers beat up the poor man, kicking, punching, spitting at him. When they finished their abuse, they lifted him up by the arms, revealing he had gotten a black eye, busted lip, and broken nose, blood gushing over his mouth and down his chin like a river. He was even missing a tooth.

"Did he hurt you? Try to mug you or anything?" One of the soldiers asked, a wicked smirk across his face. Roderich looked at Ludwig, who stood frozen, traumatized by the whole event.

"N-No," Roderich answered. "He- no."

Ludwig could've sworn he saw Feliks give a broken smile, a smile hidden behind his blood stained lips.

"Apologize to them." The solider said, pushing Feliks forward.

"But I didn't-!"

"I said apologize!"

"I-I'm sorry," Feliks stammered, spitting up blood. "I'm sorry for bothering you. H-Have a good day."

The soldiers erupted into laughter. "Mauthausen is going to have fun with you, disgusting swine."

Feliks groaned as he was carried away by the two soldiers. He looked back at the cousins, a tear running down his bruised cheek.

Ludwig emptied his contents onto the street when he heard the whinny of a horse.

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_I hope you're feeling better! I feel so bad after hearing about what you saw. It must've been terrible. Please don't stress yourself out. Mi manchi... I'm thinking about you and I really want to see you again because I'm scared about the war and I feel lonely, so please take care of yourself! I'll be saving up a lot, too, so we can take that trip to Milan! Ti voglio bene!_

_-Feliciano_

"Please help me translate, Roderich," Ludwig said, handing the letter to his cousin. "You studied in Italy for a while, didn't you?"

Roderich pushed up his spectacles and raised an eyebrow. "That was a decade ago, when I was 18," He sighed. "And I only spoke a little bit. I forgot most of it, but I can try."

"I need to know what he's saying." Ludwig pleaded. Roderich nodded as he looked over the letter. He bit his lip in concentration.

"Mi manchi means I miss you." He said.

"He misses me?" Ludwig asked. He felt like his heart was struck by an arrow. "He misses me..."

"Ti voglio bene... yes, I remember Elizaveta used to say this to Gilbert all the time, and said ti amo to me," He sighed. "They're closely related."

"What does it mean?" Ludwig asked, growing impatient.

"It means I love you."

The blond's eyes widened, a wide smile coming to his face. "F-Feliciano... loves me? He feels the same about me? He loves me... he loves me!"

"Wait. Hear me out. There's more to it."

"In what way? What?"

"It doesn't necessarily mean 'I love you' in a romantic manner. It's meant in a more... friendly way. Well, it can be used with a lover, but it has a more innocent meaning behind it. Ti amo is what he would use if he actually loved you."

Ludwig's smile faded and was quickly replaced with a disappointed frown. "So... he only likes me as a friend?"

"I'm afraid so."

The blond ran his hand through his hair. He felt a sudden pang in his chest, and an uncomfortable tingle coursed throughout his body.

"Verdammt." He said, slumping onto his chair at his desk.

"Ludwig, I don't think you _really_ love him." Roderich sighed.

"What do you mean? Of course I love him. You said so yourself, didn't you?"

"Yes, but now I'm starting reconsider that thought. I think you're just confused."

"Confused? Look, I know you're ashamed of me having feelings for another male, but-"

"No, no. You're confusing your feelings."

"I don't understand."

Roderich deeply sighed and took off his glasses, placing them on the desk. "You met this man and when he said he wanted to be your friend, it made you incredibly happy without you realizing it. You're confusing gratitude with actual love."

"No I'm not! I..." Ludwig looked at the carpeted floor. "I truly, dearly love him."

"As a friend."

"Romantically."

"Ludwig. You saw what the soldiers did to that Jewish man two days ago. And you _know _how people feel about..." Roderich took a deep breath. "Same sex romance. If anyone else finds out about this, they're going to beat you until you're a bleeding mess. Maybe even kill you!"

"That's why _no one _is going to find out about it."

"Ludwig..."

"It's none of your business to delve into my love life!"

"Oh, stop it now. You're acting like a child."

Ludwig pursed his lips and stood up. "I need to get some fresh air." He said, grabbing his jacket and storming out the front door. Roderich groaned and shook his head.

* * *

_Dear Feliciano,_

_It seems the war is escalating. Three days ago, the Soviets invaded Poland as well. I'm worried about Germany's well being. Did you know my birthday is next month? Yes, I'll be turning 22. I wanted to spend it with you, and my family. I guess that won't be happening. It won't be the same without you. I hope you're okay. I keep thinking about you. Write back soon, okay? And, just so you won't worry, I'm fine. I just need to know that you're okay._

_-Ludwig_

Folding the letter in half and putting it in an envelope, Ludwig sighed and looked at Roderich, who was sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper.

"September 20th." Roderich said.

"I know what today is."

"Your birthday is soon."

"I know."

"Are you excited?"

"Not really, no. We are at war, after all."

"You don't need to keep bringing that up."

"I will keep bringing it up."

Roderich scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you."

"I know you can't."

"Are you going to deliver that?"

Ludwig looked at the letter in his hand and sighed. "Yes. I am."

"If you want, I'll deliver it for you."

"Will you?"

"Yes."

Roderich walked over to Ludwig and took the letter from him, looking back and forth between him and the envelope.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Ludwig raised an eyebrow as he watched Roderich disappear behind the front door. He deeply sighed and leaned back against his desk chair. He closed his medical textbooks and pushed them to the side.

"You still haven't eaten supper," Roderich loudly said as he walked through the door and took off his coat. He hung it on the coat rack and placed his hands on his hips. "And to think, I went out of my way to make delicious geschmälzt maultasche with turnips and carrots, your favourite."

"What's the special occasion?" Ludwig asked as he stood up and walked to the kitchen to feed himself.

"There is none," Roderich replied, following his younger cousin. "I just thought you'd appreciate me more if I made your favourite meal."

"I do appreciate you."

"You don't seem like it."

The two stayed silent, that only sounds coming from the dishes as Ludwig fixed himself a plate of food.

"I do." The blond said. "I do appreciate you."

"I'd like it if you showed that a bit more. Maybe something like 'thanks Roderich' or 'I appreciate you'. You never say that."

"I didn't know I had to. I'm sorry."

Roderich huffed. "You see? It's the expression and that voice."

Ludwig put his hand over his neck. "What's wrong with my voice?"

"You never have any emotion! You're always serious, all the time!"

"And you aren't?"

"I am, but not _all _the time. I can relax if I want."

"I apologize for my stoicism," Ludwig muttered.

"You used to be so lively as a child," Roderich said, shaking his head. "I remember when you were a baby. You smiled and laughed all the time. And your eyes lit up like fireworks. What happened?"

Ludwig sat at the small dining table and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Gilbert killed himself. That's what happened."

Roderich opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it, biting his lip. Ludwig continued.

"He never seemed out of the ordinary. He was arrogant, loud, obnoxious. He was himself. If only I knew, if I knew he was going to do it. Even if I just gone to check up on him, because I knew something was wrong, if I hadn't been so damn ignorant..." He hid his face in his hands. "I'm in pain, and the only way I can hide it is by acting cold and pushing everyone away so that people will think I'm fine..."

Roderich grabbed a seat and placed it next to Ludwig. He sat down next to his blond cousin and gently stroked his hair.

"It's okay to hurt," He whispered. "And it's okay to be in pain. There's nothing wrong with that. But there's also nothing wrong with letting others in so they can help. This is exactly what Gilbert did. He kept hiding his despair until he snapped and he ended up taking his own life. I lost him, I don't want to lose you. You're not weak if you let your friends and family help you."

Ludwig sniffed and crossed his arms on the table, burying his head in them. "I don't have any friends except for Feliciano. And I barely have any family left."

"You have me," Roderich said, a small smile on his face. "And you have Vash, and Lilli, and Eliza too, even if she doesn't talk to us much anymore."

"Vash and Lilli are all the way in Switzerland, and Eliza is still mourning for Gilbert."

"Well, yes, but, it's better than nothing, yes? Some people don't have any family at all."

"I suppose," Ludwig muttered, not looking at Roderich. "I guess I have been more fortunate than others. Especially during the depression."

"Yes, you have."

"Thank you, Roderich." Ludwig said, raising himself up, wiping stray tears from his eyes.

"You're welcome." The bespectacled man replied with a sincere smile.

"Can I ask a question?"

"You may."

"Do you still love Eliza?"

Roderich's smile became saddened, and he sighed. "It is pointless to still have feelings for her, even after all these years, yet I do."

"You were married."

"We were."

"So, what happened? Why did you separate?"

"I guess you could say... she fell out of love with me."

"Oh?"

"Yes."

"Do tell, if you don't mind."

Roderich deeply sighed and stood up. "Perhaps the kitchen isn't an appropriate place to tell the sad tale of my failed marriage."

"Oh, how much she means to me," Roderich sighed, tracing his hand over a photograph. It was black and white, with the picture of a woman with dark wavy hair sitting in a patch of grass underneath a willow tree. Her eyes were closed, and a sleepy smile crossed her face. She wore a simple dress and she was barefoot, her hands in her lap.

"When was this taken?" Ludwig asked, looking over Roderich's shoulder at the photograph.

"9 years ago," The bespectacled man replied. "You were 12 and I was 19. She was 18."

"Were you married?"

"No. We were dating. We were married when I was 21."

"That's sweet..."

Roderich nodded. "When I was 27, she told me she wanted to end it. She said she didn't love me anymore, that the spark we had was gone. Of course, I still loved her with all my heart. She meant the world to me. I tried everything to keep her. I gave her flowers, I held her hand. I gave all my attention to her. I sang to her and brushed her hair and bought her what she wanted, and yet, it wasn't enough. She left me. I woke up one day and I was the only one in the bed... and I think that was the first time where I cried so hard I ended up falling asleep, just thinking about her."

The two sat in excruciating silence for what seemed like hours. Ludwig gulped and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize-"

"It's fine." Roderich quickly replied.

"I'm so selfish. I thought I was the only one with serious problems and-"

"You shouldn't be harsh on yourself, Ludwig."

"I feel so horrible...!"

"Please, don't."

"Do you still talk to her, at least...?"

Roderich scoffed. "I've tried countless times. I've sent her letters, so many, but she never replied. I can only assume she burned them all."

"I think you should visit her in person, yes?"

"I think that would be foolish," Roderich muttered.

"It's worth a shot, if you still love her."

"I love her, I love her. I do. But I'm not going to cause more distress for her by entering her life and try to get her to love me again. I could never hurt her like that."

"You're a very kind man, Roderich."

Roderich laughed, and Ludwig could've sworn he saw tears form in the older man's eyes.

"No Ludwig, I'm actually quite selfish."

"It's not selfish to love her. I love Feliciano, and..." Ludwig shook his head. "Every time I say that, it means me feel... weird."

"How did you feel around him?"

"When I was with him, I could feel my heart beat fast and my stomach formed knots. I was really happy. I felt terrible when I saw him cry, and I was so glad I was able to make him smile. Even hearing his voice makes me incredibly happy. I want to be close to him and-"

"I see."

"I'm worried about him."

"I know, but there's not much you can do. I say you just sleep about it, Ludwig. You look tired."

Roderich stood up and walked to the doorway, giving a small smile before exiting the room.

Somehow, Ludwig felt even lonelier.

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_Happy early birthday, amico mio! Mine already passed in March, so I guess that doesn't matter. I'll try to make it to Frankfurt in time for your birthday, so I'll start saving up even more~! I'd love to be with you! I'll be leaving for Saarland soon though, since I can never stay in one place for more than a little while. Hey! Maybe we can see each other before I leave! That'd be great. I'd love to see you again, Ludwig! Please take good care of yourself, for me!_

_-Feliciano_

"I'm going to see him." Ludwig muttered, crumpling the letter in his hands.

"Oh?" Roderich asked, cutting up scallion. "Where is he?"

"He says he's going to leave for Saarland."

"Did he say when, exactly?"

"Soon."

"I asked exactly."

"That's as exact as I can tell."

Roderich sighed. "Well, if you want to see him, go ahead. I'm just worried about your studies."

"I'll put them on hold for now."

"You can't keep putting them on hold if you want to be a doctor!"

"I'm not abandoning them forever."

With a roll of his eyes, Roderich returned to the vegetable. "Fine, fine. But I'm not coming with you. Getting from Vienna to here was torture enough."

"I never asked you to come. I know how you don't like travel. I can do this on my own."

"You're so independent, it's a bit scary."

"And you're always dependent on me."

"I am not! I don't see you cooking."

Ludwig chuckled. "You know I'm only good at baking muffins and wurst."

"Which is terrible."

"I suppose it is. Good thing I can always rely on you for a good dinner, yes?"

"Hmph. When do you plan on leaving?"

"Not sure yet. I'll send him a letter asking him when he's going to leave for Saarland. Then we can set up a rendezvous point."

"That sounds like a good idea."

Ludwig nodded. "Thank you, Roderich."

Roderich perked up and turned to his cousin, who smiled as he walked out of the kitchen.

* * *

**whewww i'm pooping out these chapters like there's no tomorrow ! and i'm proud of myself you guys ! ok so first i'd like to say thanks so much for all the support ! as of this chapter i have 4 reviews, 5 faves, and 9 follows ! wow ! secondly, whoever gets the song reference in this, and guesses it correctly gets a cookie ! thirdly, i know the dates are really confusing so lemme elaborate on them-**

**-Feliks getting beat- Sep. 17 (because when this happened, the Soviets invaded Poland, as Luddy says in his letter, it happened 3 days ago so yes)**

**-Emotional GerAus moment- Sep. 20**

**thank you for reading, and reviews are greatly appreciated, so don't be afraid to drop one ! see you next chapter ! uvu**


	4. Chapter 4

**oh my gosh 7 reviews 5 faves and 14 follows wowie kazowie you guys are great ! :') haha, as a thank you gift, here's the next chapter uvu**

**i don't own hetalia**

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_I'll be leaving for Saarland on the 28th. Maybe we can meet at the train station! Will you see me off? I hope so! I think seeing you will be best for me. A lot has happened recently and I think I really need you to comfort me. I'll be leaving on the 4:00 train. Stay well, amico mio!_

_-Feliciano_

"The 28th?" Ludwig asked himself. "T-That's tomorrow!"

"Are you going to see him?" Roderich asked, sitting on the couch, knitting a blue scarf.

"I have to."

"Well, I'll be here and await your return."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Ludwig slightly smiled. "Thank you."

"Maybe you should head out now," Roderich said. "And stay overnight at a hotel."

"Would that really be best? Hm... very well. I'll send him a letter now."

Ludwig sped over to his desk, not bothering to grab a piece of paper and pen.

_Dear Feliciano,_

_Well, I suppose I'll be seeing you tomorrow! I miss you as well, a lot. Don't worry, when we see each other, you can explain everything to me. __Ich hab dich lieb._

_-Ludwig_

Folding the letter and putting it in an envelope, he turned to Roderich.

"Do me a favour."

Roderich scoffed and set his knitting supplies aside. He walked over to Ludwig and grabbed the letter.

"Fool." Roderich muttered, filling out the address information on front of the envelope. Ludwig watched as he disappeared behind the front door, and made a beeline to his bedroom. He knelt down next to his bed and reached underneath it, pulling out a leather box, a suitcase. He quite literally pulled out his drawers and dumped a couple of shirts and trousers into the suitcase. It closed it and snapped the hooks, and dragged it to the living room where Roderich continued his knitting.

"Will you at least come with me to the train station?"

"Do I have to?"

"I'd appreciate if you do."

Roderich pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. I'll go with you. But _only _to the train station, okay?"

"That's fine. Thank you, Roderich."

"We can leave tonight."

"Tonight? But-" Ludwig looked at the clock hanging on the wall. "It's 2:30."

"Ludwig. Did you even wash today? Just calm down, take a bath, and put on new clothes."

The blond chewed on his lip and sighed in defeat.

"Very well."

* * *

"The 3:30 train should be here soon." Roderich said as he leaned back against the bench. Ludwig nodded, tapped his foot impatiently and twiddled with his thumbs. Seeing this, Roderich rolled his eyes and put a hand on his cousin's shoulder.

"You're really worried about him, aren't you?"

"I'm terrified," Ludwig said as he began to bite his nails. "What did he mean by 'a lot has happened recently'? Is he okay? Was he hurt? I... gott, it's destroying me..."

"Don't get yourself worked up over it. Feliciano is fine, I assure you. Maybe he thought it would be better to tell you in person rather than words."

"Well I- yes. That's true."

Roderich stood up and leaned over, sighing when he saw steam rise into the air.

"Your train is here." He said, Ludwig standing up with him.

"Yes, it is." The blond replied as the train came to the platform, slowly stopping.

"I'll see you soon, Ludwig."

"Yes. Thank you again, for everything."

The two stood in an awkward silence, save for the hiss of the train. Roderich opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it, and instead wrapped his arms around Ludwig, the latter widening his eyes in surprise.

"R-Roderich...?"

"Don't forget who you are, Ludwig," The older man whispered. "You're great. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't change."

"I won't, Roderich. I won't."

Roderich gently pushed Ludwig away from him and motioned to the train.

"It's not gonna wait forever," The bespectacled man chuckled. "Better get going."

"Yes, um- thank you, Roderich. I'll be seeing you."

Ludwig turned around and went inside the car, looking around for a moment. There were only a few others who sat sporadically on the benches, some men reading newspapers, some women cradling their children. Ludwig sat at an empty bench, and, for the first time, sat at the front.

* * *

Ludwig felt terribly lonely in the hotel room. He lied down on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and bit his lip at the sudden twinge in his chest. He wanted to cry, but refused to let the tears fall. It was what helped him feel like he wasn't a weakling. He stood up and threw on a pair of slacks and a shirt, and walked out the room. He made his way down the hall, and stopped in front of an elevator. He pushed the button and sighed as he waited for the doors to open.

"Hello."

Ludwig turned to see a woman carrying a baby. Her blue eyes looked tired and her brown hair was tied into a bun, albeit messy. She wore a blouse and ankle length skirt.

"Good evening." Ludwig said. The woman smiled.

"Today's been a timid day, hasn't it?" She asked. Ludwig nodded. The doors opened with a ding, and the two stepped inside.

"Yes." The blond simply replied, pushing the button to the lobby. The doors stayed open for a moment before they closed.

"You look awfully tired, sir."

"I am. It has been a long day for me."

The woman giggled. "Has the wife been nagging you all day?"

Ludwig blinked. "I, uh, I'm not married."

"You're not? Oh, but you're so handsome!"

Ludwig lightly blushed. "Am I? Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm a widow," The woman said, patting the baby's back, the small infant asleep on her shoulder. "My husband died during the Great War."

"I'm sorry for your loss."

Reaching the floor, the elevator doors opened and Ludwig stepped out onto the lobby, the woman following.

"Are you going to the cafeteria?"

"I am. It's open late tonight, yes?"

"Yes, it is. I'm going there as well," The woman smiled. "I need food myself. I haven't been eating well as of late."

The two walked down a hallway and soon stood in front of a pair of dark brown doors. Ludwig opened it for the woman. She smiled as she walked inside, gently rubbing her baby's back. She walked over to a buffet-like table, where a man stood behind it. Ludwig was soon next to her, looking over the food choices.

"Where are your drinks?" He asked. The man pointed to a table across from him, where a woman sat behind it, looking rather bored. Ludwig nodded and went up to her, nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

"Um..." He started. "Two bottles of doppelbock, please."

The woman looked surprised as she reached in a barrel beside her and took out two bottles.

"This is a very strong beer, sir," She said. Ludwig nodded.

"I know. That's why I want them. Thank you."

Ludwig sat at a small dining table, groaning as he put his elbow on the table.

"Hello again."

He looked up and saw the woman with her baby sit across from him.

"Hi." Ludwig said plainly. The brunette's smile faded when she saw him open one of the bottles with his bare hand.

"That requires a church key to open, does it not?" She asked nervously.

"I don't need that." The blond replied solemnly as he downed some of the beer.

"May I ask for your name, sir?"

"Ludwig."

"My name is Greta. It's very nice to meet you."

Greta held out her hand, and the man stared at it for a moment before shaking it. Already, he began to feel dizzy and lightheaded. He wondered if drinking the doppelbock was such a good idea.

"Are you okay, Ludwig?" Greta asked worriedly. "You seem a bit... off."

"I'm fine..." He quietly muttered. He stood up clumsily, wobbling for a moment in place.

"Are you sure you're okay? Are you drunk?"

"I'm fine!" Ludwig snapped, grabbing the bottle and taking another large swig of it. Greta looked down at her baby, whose eyes were open. She then looked back at Ludwig, who struggled to stay up, using the wall for support. He groaned, the noises around him becoming fuzzy, his eyesight going double, and suddenly everything went black.

* * *

Ludwig groaned as his eyes fluttered open. He turned his head, and a sharp pain soared through his head. He yelped in pain and gently put his hand to his forehead. There was light coming through the window, though some of it was blurred by pink curtains, making the light seem tinted the light shade of red.

It still hurt his eyes, however, and he quickly closed them.

"My head is killing me..." He muttered to himself. Even talking was painful. He hissed and slowly sat up, looking at the clock sitting on the nightstand, and his eyes went wide. It was 3:40.

"Feliciano!" He loudly said, throwing off the blankets. Adrenaline coursed throughout his body, blocking out the pain in his head. He didn't have time to wash- he quickly threw on his shirt and trousers, grabbed his suitcase, and raced out the room.

Everything seemed to slow down. The elevator took a long time for him in his eyes, and the receptionist tried to hold up a conversation. He quickly jogged out of the hotel doors, and up the street. He looked at his pocket watch and bit his lip. 3:50. The train would be leaving in ten minutes! He sped up his pace, now beginning to run, dodging soldiers and passerby's. The train station soon came into his sight, but by this time, he was exhausted. He slowed down to a fast walk. Ludwig looked at his watch. 3:57. He didn't have much time left.

When he made it to the train station two minutes later, his heart sank. The train was already leaving. Ludwig, now completely fatigued, groaned as he fell to his knees. His head was putting him in excruciating pain. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to hold back tears, but to no avail, as they streamed down his face in hot, wet rivers. Ludwig sniffed, and when he felt something on his shoulder, he opened his eyes, his blue orbs becoming wide.

"F... Feli...?" He asked under his breath. His vision was blurry, and half of him was hoping that it had been a random person asking if he was okay.

"Si. It's me, Ludwig."

The blond stared at the fuzzy image of Feliciano, who looked solemn. Ludwig wiped his tears and stood up, and it was just then that he realized the Italian only reached up to his shoulder.

"W-Why are you here? The train...!"

"I was waiting for you."

Ludwig's heart skipped a beat. "F-For me...?"

"Si. I knew you would come, I just knew it! And I was thinking about leaving, too, but I had second thoughts, and I stayed."

At that moment, the German's lip quivered as he tightly hugged Feliciano, the blond leaning his head on his shoulder.

"I missed you," He whispered, tears running down his reddened cheeks once again. "I missed you so much, Feliciano."

"I missed you too." Feliciano said, closing his eyes and returning the hug. They stood like that, in each other's embrace, and honey brown and icy blue orbs shedding tears. Ludwig pulled away and wiped his tears, chuckling slightly.

"I'm sorry," He muttered. "I-I'm being a baby. I didn't know seeing you again would be so emotional for me."

When Feliciano took Ludwig's hand in his, the blond almost lost it. His skin was so soft, so smooth, that it only reminded him of how much he longed for the Italian.

"Please don't cry," Feliciano whispered, running his thumbs over Ludwig's knuckles. "I don't like it when people cry. Because then I start to cry, and then it just turns into a huge mess."

They walked over to a waiting bench and sat on it, staying quiet, enjoying the breeze and the calls of several common birds.

"I would like to tell you something." Feliciano said, deeply sighing.

"You can tell me anything." Ludwig replied. Feliciano nodded and suddenly found it hard to swallow.

"Firstly," He began. "My brother. On the 21st, he... he died..."

Ludwig held his breath. "I-I'm so sorry..."

Feliciano nodded. "I'm not sure if we can afford a funeral. My parents and my cousin back home work so hard but they can barely even put bread on the table..." He shook his head. "I would send them money, I really would, but I don't sell much for my paintings and I always have to buy things."

Guilt crashed into Ludwig like a thousand bricks. His whole body suddenly felt heavy and his head began to spin.

"Feliciano, I... you should've told me!"

"No, no," The Italian gave a sad smile. "I don't want you spending money on a poor beggar like me!"

"But I'd do anything to help you! I come from a wealthy family! I love-"

He bit his tongue and hissed.

"You love what?" Feliciano asked, tilting his head to the side.

"You. I love you."

But Ludwig didn't say that. He didn't say those three words that he's been wanting to tell the Italian for, he didn't know how long. He had lost count.

"Um," Ludwig stuttered, his eyes darting around. "I-I love the thought of you... being happy. Yes. I love it when you're happy."

Feliciano blinked once and giggled. "Ludwig," He said. "That means a lot to me. Thank you."

Ludwig wanted to scream. He wanted to shout. He wanted to yell. But most of all, he wanted to tell Feliciano how his heart almost burst out of his chest with every moment he spent with him, how much he loved him, how much he wanted him, and continue to live his life in humility. Because a man loving another man just wasn't normal. It was disgusting, a sin, and he should be punished for it, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help loving Feliciano. He couldn't help wanting to feel his soft lips and run his hands against his smooth skin and whisper into his ear, 'I love you, ich liebe dich, ti amo'.

Ludwig tried to keep himself from trembling. He was close, so close. Feliciano was right there, next to him. All he had to do was open his mouth and say it. Just as he wanted to say them, his throat tightened and dried like he swallowed a mouthful of sand.

"Ludwig? Can I ask for the time?"

The time. Of course. He looked at his pocket watch. "4:14."

"Ah. The next train is 4:20."

And just like glass, Ludwig shattered. He began to panic, his heart began to race.

"Really...?" He asked. He began to think this was a dream. A nightmare. And when he woke up, Feliciano would be in his arms, singing a song to him and they'd be happy with each other. It wasn't a dream, though, and anger began to form inside of Ludwig.

"Why do you have to leave?" He asked breathlessly.

"I have to keep moving. Each place is better than that last. I can probably even up my price in France! I heard the people there really love art!"

Stay here. Stay here, with me. Hold me, kiss me, love me. That was what Ludwig was thinking. It's what he wanted to say. He wanted to say it so badly, but he felt like a rope had been tied around his neck and a cloth stuffed in his mouth, and he could barely thought. He was screaming and shouting in his mind, angry at his family, at society, at Feliciano, and above all, himself.

Ludwig's stomach twisted at the thought of him never seeing Feliciano again. Never hearing his voice. Never seeing his smile. Never being in his presence. It made him want to cry. He had drank himself to sleep last night, because he temporarily lost hope in never seeing this man again. So now what was he going to do? How was he going to mend his broken heart? 4:18. Two more minutes, more or less. Two minutes left to spend with Feliciano. It wasn't enough. It wasn't even close.

"I want you to stay." Ludwig managed to choke out. Feliciano smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry," He said. "I wish I could stay, I really do. But I can't. I'm a traveling artist. I have to keep moving."

Ludwig could hear the train's horn in the distance. It was just a matter of seconds. He wanted to make it last. He wanted to kiss Feliciano. Just one. Or hold his hand. Feel him, in general. Be with him and love him.

The train slowed at the platform and Ludwig wanted to cry once more. Feliciano sighed and stood up.

"Goodbye, Ludwig," He quietly said. "I'll write you as soon as I can, okay? Ti voglio bene."

Looking around nervously, Feliciano stood on his toes and placed a soft, gentle kiss on Ludwig's cheek. He stepped back, smiled, and ran to the car. Ludwig could've sworn he saw a blush on the Italian's face. But Feliciano kissed him. _Kissed _him. Even if it wasn't where he wanted to be, it was still a kiss.

And Ludwig's heart fluttered.

He smiled idiotically, some people who were also boarding the train wondering what made the blond so happy. He felt lighter and his stomach felt like someone had set fireworks off inside him. He loved it. He loved Feliciano.

* * *

"How was your trip?" Roderich asked, following Ludwig to his bedroom.

"It was good," The blond replied. "Very good."

"Were you able to see him off?"

"Yes. He, ah, kissed me. On the cheek."

Standing in the doorway, Roderich raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Why?"

Ludwig shrugged and took off his jacket. "He just did."

"Well, Italians do kiss each other on the cheek, even if they're friends," Roderich said. "But I don't think it's for when they say goodbye."

"Maybe it was," Ludwig sighed as he sat on the bed. "I'm not sure."

"Hm. Anyway, I made sauerbraten, like the way your mother made it."

"Sauerbraten? That was Gilbert's favourite food."

"Yes, it was," Roderich said. "His death anniversary is coming up, isn't it?"

Ludwig's stomach twisted. He wanted to send a letter to Feliciano, but he'd have to wait for the Italian to write him first.

* * *

_Dear Feliciano,_

_I must say I miss you a lot. It's been very lonely, even with my nagging cousin with me. Unfortunately, he'll be leaving after my birthday, and I'll be alone again. While in Rhineland, I stayed at a hotel and met this widow named Gretel. She had a very cute baby. I got drunk in front of her, though, and I blacked out. That was the last time I saw her. My brother's, Gilbert, death anniversary is coming up. He died on the sixth. Three days after my birthday. I was 16 when he died, and yet, I'm still so sad and empty on the inside. I can only imagine you're feeling the same. _

_I'd like to pay for your brother's funeral. Like I said, my family is fabulously wealthy. I can easily cover the costs. Please don't feel like you have to pay me back. You don't have to, I'd love to do this for you, if it's what you want._

_How are you, Feliciano? I know you'll see your brother again. I never met him, but you care about him a lot, so he must've been a good person. Don't let his death bring you down- you're amazing, and life goes on. Am I being a hypocrite? Ever since you left, you're all that I've been thinking about. Does that sound weird? I'm a bit awkward with these things, I'm sorry. But please just know I care about you and I'd do anything for you, really. Write back soon, okay?_

_-Ludwig_

He looked over the letter and bit his lip. Taking a deep breath, Ludwig added a last note at the end.

_P.S- I love you._

* * *

**did you guys know i wrote this in like two hours wowie-**

**anyway, thanks so much for reading ! please review, fave or follow, it doesn't matter ! thank you again, and see you next chapter !**


	5. Chapter 5

**i'm really so grateful for you guys :') this story is off to a great start and i'm so proud! i'm so very glad you all enjoy it! thank you!**

**i don't own hetalia uvu**

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_Well, I've arrived in Saarland safely! It's very nice here. The people are so friendly! I even sold two paintings! Your birthday will be here soon, si? I'm so sorry I can't make it. I feel bad. How about I send you a painting as a late present? I'll work on it right away! Stay good Ludwig, and don't forget to study a lot!_

_-Feliciano_

Ludwig couldn't stop reading the letter. He tightly clutched it in his large hands. It was his birthday, and he was spending it alone. Roderich had left the day before. Three packages laid by his side in the bedroom. Wiping stray tears, Ludwig picked one up, a box, and ripped it open with ease. Inside the box was a stethoscope, a couple of books, and a photograph. The photograph were of two people, a male and female. The girl stood happily next to the male, holding a baby goat in her arms. Ludwig turned the photograph over.

_"Happy birthday!_

_-Vash and Lilli" _

The blond chuckled and took out the four books, three of them about medicine and the last titled _Der Zauberberg._

"The Magic Mountain." He muttered to himself. Ludwig sighed and picked up the next box. He opened it and smiled, seeing a knitted blue scarf. Taking it out the box, there was a large book underneath titled _Oetker _with the picture of a pound cake on it. A note was underneath the book.

_"Make sure you don't starve. Happy birthday._

_-Roderich" _

Ludwig lightly laughed and shook his head, then picked up the last box. He opened it and slightly smiled. There was a blouse, a tie, and a pair of trousers, and on top of that, a brown leather wallet.

_"I'd never forget something as important as your birthday. _

_-Eliza"_

He smiled sadly as he looked over the presents. "Thank you," He muttered, a trail of tears running down his face. "Thank you so much."

* * *

_Hello, Feliciano,_

_It's been two weeks since I've sent my letter. I just wanted to say... I mean it when I say I love you. I fell in love with you as soon as I saw you. No, not friendship love. Actual, romantic love. You're all that I think about. I miss you and I care about you so much. I want to see you again..._

_-Ludwig_

* * *

_Dear Feliciano,_

_It has been three weeks now. I haven't gotten a reply yet. I've even asked my neighbors in case the mail was delivered to the wrong address, but it hasn't. I suppose this means you haven't written back? Please do. October 24. The month is almost over, can you believe that? I spent my birthday alone. I was quite down, but I was happy to receive gifts from my family. You said you were going to make a painting for me. Have you finished it? Well, even if you haven't, there's no rush. You can take your time._

_-Ludwig_

* * *

_Dear Feliciano,_

_It is now November 11. I've been very lonely without any letters from you. Studies are still intense. I'm starting a course where we perform mock surgeries on dummies. It's very interesting. My professor says I'm at the top of the class, and he's proud of me. I'm proud of me, too..._

_I've been drinking a lot though, Feliciano. Once I finished studying, I just grab a bottle of beer and... drink. It's ironic, isn't it? A doctor drinking himself to sleep. The last time I've struggled with alcohol was when Gilbert died. I guess I relapsed unintentionally. _

_I miss you, Feliciano. Please write back..._

_-Ludwig_

* * *

Ludwig sighed and closed his medical books. He glanced at the unopened beer bottle on his nightstand and bit his lip. It's been a month and a half since he had heard from Feliciano, and with each passing day, his anxiety increased. Head and stomachaches were common. Dark circles were developing underneath his eyes from sleep deprivation, and he found that alcohol was the only way he could sleep without waking up in a cold sweat. He looked at the last letter he received from the Italian, and traced his fingers over the fine handwriting. A pain tugging at his chest, he grabbed the bottle and quickly opened it.

Ludwig downed half the bottle and set it on the nightstand. He rubbed his eyes and groaned tiredly. The alcohol was taking effect already, his limbs feeling numb and his mind becoming clear. He quickly drank the rest of the bottle and stood up, making his way to the kitchen.

At 11:00 in the evening, Ludwig was hunched over the toilet, groaning weakly. Four beer bottles littered the bathroom floor. He sat up straight and looked at the ceiling. The room was fuzzy, and spinning, and his head felt like someone drove a nail through it. He stood up, wobbly, using the sink countertop to balance himself. Ludwig turned on the faucet and washed his mouth and face. He turned it off and stumbled to his bedroom, where he fell onto the bed, and was met with a void of darkness.

* * *

_Dear Ludwig,_

_I'm so sorry for replying so late! The war has been escalating, si? As for the painting, please just a little bit longer. I'm almost done with it! Then, I'll send it to you! You'll love it, I promise! I miss you a lot. Let's see each other soon, okay? I love you, lots and lots!_

_-Feliciano_

Ludwig looked at the letter and scratched out the name.

_-Ludwig_

He scratched it out again.

_-I miss you, please come back..._

Ludwig watched as tears stained the paper, making the ink smudge and roll, but at this point, he didn't care. He bit his lip and sobbed pathetically into his hands. Ludwig hated crying, but he felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and stepped on. He struggled to catch his breath, his eyes bloodshot and puffy. Trembling, grabbed a pen.

_Roderich,_

_Help me. Please. Feliciano hasn't replied to me in two months and my anxiety is through the roof. Remember my alcohol problem? Well, I've relapsed, I think. I've been drinking and drinking to hide my sadness and loneliness. I'm sorry for asking something so selfish but I need your help. Please._

_-Ludwig_

_drunk, depressed and ready to give up_

Looking at the paper, he cringed at his sloppy handwriting. He wiped his tears and sniffed, rubbing his temples.

"I need to find him," He mumbled. "I need to see him again."

* * *

Ludwig tapped his foot nervously as he looked back and forth between his pocket watch and the platform. When was the damn train going to come, he thought. Hearing a horn sound in the distance, he groaned in relief and stood up, holding his suitcase with him. He walked up to the train as it slowed, and was the first one inside the car. Ludwig didn't mind, though. He leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes.

Five minutes later, the train began to move. Ludwig looked out the window behind him, waving as the cityscape of Rhineland became smaller and smaller, until the train was surrounded entirely by a field gravel and mountains in the distance. The blond sighed and sat back against the bench. Closing his eyes once again, he fell asleep to the thought of Feliciano.

And dreamt of alcohol.

* * *

When he arrived, the train station was eerily quiet. Not even the passengers getting off spoke much. Ludwig looked around and deeply sighed, walking out of the station. He hadn't been to Saarland often, nor did he enjoy it much. He'd have to get a map.

He walked down the empty sidewalk. Abandoned cars and crumbled paper made up the streets. Looking around nervously, Ludwig's heart began to race. He began to fast walked and turned a corner, relief washing into him when he saw a bar. Quickly, he walked inside, with his fancy clothes and fancy suitcase. The few people inside looked at him like he was crazy, but Ludwig didn't care. He went up to the bartender, who was cleaning a glass, and cleared his throat.

"Uh, a glass of pale lager."

The bartender raised an eyebrow and walked over to a barrel, filling the glass he was cleaning with the yellow-golden beer. He set the glass in front of Ludwig, who almost immediately snatched it and drank it.

"Thank you." He said, pulling out his wallet and paying the bartender. The blond quickly walked out of the bar and continued down the street. He had never seen such an empty state, but then again, war was going on- the people were probably hiding in their homes. When he saw a person coming up the sidewalk, he walked up to them.

"Pardon me," Ludwig said. "But, um, is there a hotel nearby?"

The person, a male, nodded and pointed down the street.

"Continue down, walk across the street on the left, and you should see the hotel. Can't miss it."

"Thank you." Ludwig said, slightly bowing his head and fast walking his way down the sidewalk.

Reaching the crosswalk, he crossed the street just as the man said. Reaching the other side, he looked among the buildings and nodded at the tallest one. It was a dark red, towering over the shorter buildings. He soon stood in front of the hotel and walked inside. The lobby was sophisticated and obviously for the wealthy.

"Hello," The receptionist said as Ludwig approached her. "How may I help you today?"

"Uh, I need to book a room," The blond replied. "For one night."

"A room for one night? That can happen," The receptionist smiled. "A room for one night is one hundred sixty Reichmarks, please."

Ludwig bit his lip and took out his wallet, giving the money to the woman. She smiled and handed him a key.

"Elevators are to your left. Have a good day!"

* * *

Ludwig sat on the bed, his back hunched over. He swished the beer in the bottle before drinking it, some of the alcohol running down his chin. He wiped it with the back of his hand and continued to drink until he finished it.

He stared at the now empty bottle, running his hands through his hair. He bit his lip and crouched down, unlocking his suitcase and digging through it until he found a stack of papers. He picked them up and read through them, a bittersweet smile crossing his face.

"Feliciano..." He quietly said. He said and grabbed another bottle from off the nightstand and opened it, taking a sip as he read the letters.

By the time Ludwig had finished reading all of them, five bottles were scattered on the floor and he was completely drunk. He knew, even in his drunken state, his drinking was getting out of control, but he couldn't help himself. He groaned as he slowly stood up and fell onto the bed. His stomach growled and twisted, and Ludwig sat up, stumbling to the bathroom.

He had never felt so pathetic in his life.

* * *

**:0 so sorry for the short chapter! but i don't wanna extend and give away everything because Luddy's next stop is... well, you're gonna have to wait next chapter ;)**

**i was on spring break so now that school is starting again updates might be slower but i'll try my best to poop out chapters asap :'( gomen**

**btw in case you're confused, the letter Feli sent was BEFORE Luddy sent his own. so Feli sent that letter first and then Luddy sent his, and that's when Feli stopped replying**

**please review, follow, or fave! thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**oh my gosh so sorry this chapter is poorly written. gomen gomen gomen ! but thank you all for the continued support! ah you guys deserve so much better ;3;**

**i don't own hetalia !**

* * *

Ludwig had never felt so alone in his life. At least in Frankfurt, at university, he had a roommate, and while they didn't socialize much, he was certainly a kind man, and they talked and studied together occasionally.

But Ludwig didn't have a roommate. He was by himself and alone and so shattered, his head spinning in every direction imaginable, his heart racing, and all he wanted to do was just lay on bed forever. He longed for Feliciano, to see him, to kiss him, to feel him, to love him. His heart ached at the very thought of the Italian's sweet smile and kind eyes.

Ludwig had been searching for him ever since he reached Saarland, looking for paintings, asking people if they had seen an odd looking man with a peculiar curl. Each time someone said no, another bottle became empty. Ludwig just didn't know what to do anymore.

He walked down the street, defeated, hopeless, and half-drunk. He looked like a wreck, he knew it, but at this point, he didn't care. He didn't care what about people said. He didn't care that he was becoming sicker. He didn't care. All he wanted was to go home and cry. What more could he do? Feliciano was gone, forever. And he slowly began to wonder what the point of life was.

* * *

When Ludwig came home, the first thing he did was go to his bedroom, sit on the floor, and cry. He cried like he had never cried before. It was out of humility, embarrassment, but also of anger and heartbreak. And hopelessness. Pure, raw, hopelessness. It hurt to cry. The air was sucked right out of his lungs and his stomach knotted. He was so mentally and emotionally drained that his eyes, still leaking tears, became heavy. He fell asleep and dreamt of nothing.

* * *

The doorbell rang repeatedly, rousing Ludwig from his sleep. Still on the floor, he groaned and slowly stood up. He stumbled to the front door, using the wall to keep him up, and opened the door.

"Yes?" He asked, rubbing his tired eyes. His blue orbs went wide.

"Hello, Ludwig."

"Eliza...?"

Elizaveta warmly smiled, her green eyes full of concern. "Good morning."

"Morning? What time..."

"It's 9:42. I've come to see you. May I come in?"

Ludwig stepped to the side, and Elizaveta walked inside the flat, putting her hand over her mouth at the sight. Papers were sprawled everywhere, his textbooks thrown recklessly across the floor, stains of all sizes dotting the floor. Elizaveta took off her shoes and set them by the door.

"What happened here?!" She asked in shock.

"I never cleaned up." Ludwig muttered, his voice suddenly hoarse.

"This is unlike you! You always keep your house clean!"

"I'm sorry."

Elizaveta raced to the kitchen, clutching her white shawl, and looked around. Ludwig followed her, albeit slowly. "Why are you here?" He asked.

"Roderich said he got your letter," Elizaveta explained, going over to the stove and turning on the kettle. "He started having a panic attack! The poor man went mad over the phone, I tell you. He kept calling, all day and all night, and I finally answered to tell him to leave me alone, but as soon as I did, he began speaking so quickly in German! I eventually calmed him down, but he was so worried! He wanted to visit, he really did, but he was so caught up with work, he practically begged me to visit you."

Ludwig opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't know what to say. "Oh."

"This is quite worrisome, Ludwig," Elizaveta said, taking out two teacups from a cabinet. "I've never seen you like this."

"I'm sorry."

"What happened that has affected you so greatly?"

Ludwig looked down, holding his breath. "I fell in love."

Elizaveta blinked once, when suddenly a wide smile came to her face. She ran up to him and grabbed his hands.

"Really?!" She squealed. "What's her name? What does she look like? Oh, she must be the sweetest thing!"

"She." Ludwig tried to laugh.

"It's... a girl, isn't it?"

When he looked away, Elizaveta's smile faded and she took a step back. "Ludwig, are you-?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, _kedves. _Do not apologize." The brunette hushed. She gently embraced the blond and leaned her head on his shoulder. "It is alright."

"What's wrong with me?" Ludwig asked, his eyes watering. Elizaveta smiled as the kettle whistled, and turned off the stove. After preparing tea, she sat at the small round table and sat down.

"Come sit." She said. Ludwig did as he was told and looked at the dark tea.

"E-Eliza, I..."

"There's nothing wrong with you," She began. "You're perfect just the way you are. You're intelligent and handsome."

Ludwig cringed. His hair was a mess and bags were developing under his eyes. He smelled of alcohol and his skin was more pale.

"I think you're just troubled," Elizaveta sighed. "Roderich told me that you've been drinking again."

"I'm sorry." Ludwig choked out. His throat had tightened on him.

"Please don't apologize. Now, tell me. You love a... man, correct?"

The blond nodded. "So much."

"What is his name?"

"Feliciano. He's Italian."

"What happened that's left you in such a state?"

Ludwig took a deep breath. "He left. He left for Saarland. We sent letters, but two months ago, he stopped replying. I've sent him several letters but he never replied. Do you think he hates me?"

Elizaveta sadly smiled. "Now why would he hate you? You're a wonderful person."

"Because I told him I love him. Does he hate me for that? I understand why. It's disgusting."

"No, no," The brunette put her hand over Ludwig's. "It's not disgusting. It's unexpected, certainly, but _love _isn't disgusting. Would you like to tell me a secret about Roderich?"

Ludwig slowly nodded. "If you wish."

Elizaveta giggled and smiled. "He was once in love with a man, just like you are now."

"R-Really?"

"Yes. He was from Spain. Ah, what was his name? Antonio! I remember he had two adorable little cousins. His father was in the army and because of that, they moved around a lot. He went to school in Vienna where he met Roderich when they were 15. They both knew English, and I remember Roderich saying he fell head over heels in love with Antonio. They dated for a while, but broke up when they were twenty. They were a cute couple, though. Roderich and I were friends at the time, and I remember he was just so excited and happy when he said he had finally lost his innocence. So, Roderich wasn't much different from you, Ludwig."

Ludwig, for the first time in what felt like years, found himself laughing at Elizaveta's story. It felt good, like he was truly happy. And for a moment, he was.

"I think that makes me feel a bit better."

Elizaveta nodded. "You know, to this day, I think Roderich still loves him. Just a little bit. They never broke up because they fell out of love, he told me. They broke up because Antonio had decided he was going to move to Italy to take care of his cousins, and the long distance relationship wouldn't work. He was so poetic describing it to me. 'The last thing he did was kiss me and we cried. Even today, I can still feel his lips on mine. The damn fool tastes of tomatoes. So sweet'. That's what he said."

Ludwig slightly frowned and looked at the floor. "I feel so bad..."

"Don't. Roderich has been through a lot, he has, but he's resilient and he can lift himself back up if he's struck down."

Ludwig's heart twinged. "Thank you for visiting."

"You don't need to thank me. I'd do anything for you. You are my brother-in-law, after all!"

"Thank you, again."

Elizaveta sighed. "I'm worried, though. Your drinking has changed you, Ludwig. You look so sad, so depressed."

"I am," The blond chuckled. "I am."

"You need to stop."

"I know this."

"I'll make an appointment for you. You need to see a doctor, or a therapist at least."

"I don't want to," He muttered. "I'd rather just sit back and drink myself to death."

"That's your depression talking, Ludwig," Elizaveta stood up and pushed up the blond's sleeve, sighing in relief. "Your skin is clearing, though. It looks great."

Ludwig simply nodded.

"Have you had a drink yet?"

"No."

"Good. As long as I'm here, I'm going to make sure you stop drinking. I was staying in a hotel, but I'm going to get my things and stay with you until you're better."

"W-What?"

"I'm taking care of you, Ludwig. I'm going to make sure you stop drinking and get yourself together. No if's, and's, or but's."

"I-I appreciate your kindness, but-"

"Ah!" Elizaveta put her index finger up to Ludwig's lips. "Butts are for excrement. Now, get up. You need some fixing up."

Ludwig watched in confusion as the woman skipped to his room. He hadn't seen her so peppy in such a long time; and he wasn't sure he was going to enjoy it.

* * *

Within the following week, Ludwig had been given narcotics and pain killers to help deal with the sudden onset of headaches and restlessness he experienced. Sitting at his desk, reading through his textbook, Elizaveta appeared behind him and wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm so proud of you!" She happily said. "You haven't had a drink in a full seven days."

"It's difficult," Ludwig groaned. "My head hurts."

"That's your body asking for alcohol." She said, patting his shoulder. "But you should know this."

"It's called withdrawal," The blond muttered. "We learned this a couple of weeks ago at university."

"Speaking of that, how are your studies going?"

"It's difficult," Ludwig sighed. "December is almost here."

"Yes, it is. November 23... only a week left in the month. Wow! Time really flies!"

"So it seems."

Elizaveta widely smiled and clapped her hands. "I'm going to cook some delicious _Rántott hús_, and for dessert, spritzkuchen! How does that sound?"

Ludwig smiled. "It sounds amazing. But for both of us?"

"I know how much you love to eat. And besides," Elizaveta giggled and tapped his stomach. "The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Ludwig chuckled and shooed her away. "Go cook, then. Go wild."

Elizaveta went to the kitchen, humming the whole time. Ludwig slightly smiled as he closed his textbooks, and even though he was happy, a small part of him hurt and pained him. Elizaveta hadn't fixed him completely.

"This is delicious!" Ludwig exclaimed, taking a bite of the deep fried veal. "The lemon really brings out the flavour."

"I knew you'd like it," Elizaveta smiled. "You loved meat when you were younger."

"I still do."

"You haven't changed much. I like that. You're just like your brother."

"Am I?"

"Mhmm."

The two ate in silence, and it continued like this for a while, until Ludwig finally spoke up.

"I'm going to France."

Elizaveta looked at him, tilting her head to the side. "Pardon?"

"I said I'm going to France."

"Why, if you don't mind me asking?"

Ludwig took a deep breath. "Because chances are, Feliciano is there. I promised that I'd see him again, and I'm not going to break it. I love him."

Elizaveta smiled. "That's very sweet. I think you should do it."

"Thank you."

"And I'll go with you."

The blond perked up, blinking quickly. "I'm sorry?"

"I said I'm going with you! I'd love to go to France! I always wanted to see Paris!"

Ludwig lightly laughed and smiled. "I appreciate that so much. Thank you, Eliza."

"Oh, don't thank me! I'm partially doing this for myself," She giggled. "But you know what'll really help you? Or who, rather. One of Gilbert's old friends."

"Francis?" Ludwig asked, puffing his cheeks. "But he's-!"

"In Lorraine. He's good friends with Feliciano, I think. You should give him a call!"

"Ugh."

"Oh, come on Ludwig. If you love him, you'll do anything you can to find him, right?"

"Yes, I truly love him but-"

"Then you will call Francis and consult with him."

Ludwig groaned and pouted. "Fine. But only for Feliciano."

Elizaveta smiled. "That's the spirit. Are you finished eating? I'll give you his number, and you can call him whenever you want."

The brunette took the plates and put them in the sink. "By the way," She said. She on the faucet and began washing the plates. "I think you being in love is absolutely adorable. I hope you two end up happy together!"

Pink came to Ludwig's cheeks and he blushed. "I, uh, thank you. Thank you a lot, Eliza."

* * *

Ludwig bit his lip as he stared at the phone, putting his hand towards it, but pulled it away several times.

"Mein gott, I'm sort of nervous..." He muttered. Elizaveta smiled and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Don't be. Francis is very understanding. He'll help you."

Ludwig deeply sighed and brought the phone up to his ear, turning to the numbers on the rotary. He closed his eyes and at the phone rang once, twice, three times, and he cringed as a familiar voice entered his ear.

"'Allo?"

"Hello? Francis?"

Ludwig could practically see the man smile. "Ludwig! Wow, is that you? You sound so old! Your voice is deeper!"

"Ah, I have something to ask you."

"Ask away, _mon cher_!"

Ludwig gulped. "Is... is Feliciano there?"

"Feliciano? He's here at my house!"

Ludwig's heart stopped.

* * *

**translations- **

_**Kedves-**_** Darling (Hungarian)**

**oh my gosh i promised for a longer chapter and instead it's about the same length ahhh i suck-**

******so sorry everyone ! hopefully next chapter will be longer c: also cliffhanger o snip snap**

**anyway, enter eliza and francis B) i love them they're my favourite characters wowie kazowie**

**please read, review, or follow or fave ! thanks so much! :')**


	7. Chapter 7

**dubstep playing in the distance**

**beatboxes**

**yoyoyoyo**

**thanks all for da support**

**sonny sonnn**

* * *

Ludwig's throat constricted on him. He struggled to talk, to even breathe. He felt like he was choking.

"M-May I speak to him?" He managed to cough out.

"Ah, of course!" Francis said. A few moments of silence and Ludwig bit his lip. "Oh, I'm sorry. He just left. He said he's going out for a walk."

And just like that, for what was probably the thousandth time, Ludwig's heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

"Has he ever... has he ever talked about me? Or mentioned me?"

Francis sighed over the phone. "Yes, but not very often. Why ask?"

Ludwig coughed in hopes of the lump in his throat escaping. But it never did. Instead, it became heavier, almost burned his throat.

"N-No reason," He quietly said. "I was just wondering."

He pulled the phone away from his ear and turned to Eliza. The brunette walked up to him and grabbed the phone, calling after him as he ran to another room.

"Hello, Francis?" Elizaveta said. "I'm sorry, I'll call you back. Ludwig is upset right now and I think he needs some comforting."

"Oh, yes, of course! Take your time. I'll be here."

"Right. We'll talk later, then."

Elizaveta didn't wait for his reply. She quickly hung up the phone and shuffled to the kitchen, gasping when she saw the blond reaching for a bottle from the cupboard.

"Ludwig!" She exlaimed, going up to him and snatching the bottle from his hands.

"Give it back." He muttered.

"You said you'd stop." Elizaveta said, taking a step back from him. Ludwig sighed and closed the cupboard, turning to her.

"It was never a promise, was it?"

"This is your first time in _months _you've been sober! Don't you want to keep it up?"

"Not anymore." Ludwig said, reaching for the bottle, but Elizaveta held it out of his reach.

"Why do you have this, anyway? We threw out all your liquor!"

"I hid some. I knew something like this was going to happen. So, please, let me drink it..."

"I will not. Roderich would be absolutely devastated to know that you've relapsed again!"

"You said he's resiliant, didn't you?"

Elizaveta tried not to flinch. She pursed her lips and deeply sighed, and walked over the front door, Ludwig following her.

"What're you doing?" He asked as she opened the door. Bringing her arm back, the blond only watched as Elizaveta threw the bottle out the door, into the street, the glass smashing with brown liquid spilling all over the road. A familiar feeling struck Ludwig's heart.

* * *

"How is he?"

"He fell asleep. I think he's okay."

"I heard his depression is back. Is it true?"

Elizaveta sighed. "I'd say it never went away. It's been mild, but I suppose recently it's hit him hard. I'm so worried he might-"

"End up like Gilbert?"

Elizaveta sadly smiled. "I feel you can somehow read my mind, Francis."

The man chuckled over the phone.

"Is Feliciano asleep?" Elizaveta asked.

"Yes. He just went to bed."

"Where does he plan on going next?"

"He told me he wants to go to Comté next. Possibly by the end of this week, or the beginning of next week."

"The poor thing has been dying to see Feliciano again," Elizaveta groaned. "Or at least talk to him! He was devastated when Feliciano didn't talk to him earlier!"

"I know, I know," Francis sighed. "I'll try to convince him to talk to Ludwig again."

"Thank you, Francis. I really appreciate it, truly. How can I... we repay you?"

"Repay me? _Non non_, you don't have to! I'd do anything for either of you."

"Thank you again, Francis."

"Mhmm. I will call you tomorrow, when Feliciano wakes up. Make sure Ludwig is awake, too!"

"I will. Thank you. Jóéjt."

"Bonne nuit, Elizaveta."

The brunette quickly hung up the phone and sighed. She slowly walked to Ludwig's bedroom and opened the door, a feeling of guilt rushing into her when she saw him wrapped up in the sheets, his back facing the door.

"Sweet dreams." She whispered before closing the door.

* * *

"Ludwig. Don't play with your food, you're not five."

The blond grunted and continued to poke the spoon at the oatmeal, pushing it around.

"Ludwig..." Elizaveta sighed. "Please."

"I'm sorry," He muttered, pushing the bowl away. "I'm not hungry."

"It's almost noon! You haven't eaten anything since yesterday!"

"I lost my appetite."

"If you're trying to lose weight-"

"I'm just not hungry."

"There must be a reason." Elizaveta pursed her lips. "What is wrong?"

"My heart hurts," Ludwig quietly said, biting his lip. "It hurts a lot."

"Would you like to go to the doctor?"

"No, no it's not that! I miss Feliciano..." His lip quivered. "Do you think he hates me? Have I officially messed up?"

Elizaveta took Ludwig's hand and ran her thumb over his knuckles. "No, you haven't."

"Then why didn't he want to talk to me yesterday?"

"Now, no one said that. Maybe he was frustrated at something, like he couldn't get an art piece the way he wanted."

Ludwig covered his mouth with his hand as tears began running down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Elizaveta asked, panicking a bit. "W-Why are you crying?"

"B-Because..." He sobbed. "Because Feliciano s-said he'd paint me a picture for my birthday..."

"He never gave it to you, did he?"

Ludwig shook his head and stood up.

"Luddy, please!" Elizaveta cried, grabbing his hand.

"I need to be alone." The blond muttered.

"Ludwig..."

"Please, leave me alone. Just for a few hours."

The brunette stared at him for a few moments before sighing and releasing his hand. She watched as he left the kitchen, but she could still hear his sobs.

* * *

When Ludwig woke up, he had a massive headache. He groaned as he sat up and yawned. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and walked out his bedroom, into the living room, raising an eyebrow when he didn't hear anything.

"Eliza?" He called out. Silence. He checked the kitchen and guest room, but she was no where to be found. He stumbled to the living room and sat on the couch.

"I messed up again... I messed up..."

He brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them, burying his face into them.

He sat like that for a good ten minutes, trying to hold back tears. He barely noticed the door open, and it was only when a hand fell onto his head that he looked up.

"E-Eliza!" Ludwig cried. "Where... what... I thought you left!"

Elizaveta sadly smiled. "Why would I leave? I simply went out to get groceries."

Ludwig looked at the brown bag in her arms and sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Elizaveta walked to the kitchen, and the blond slowly followed her.

"Why didn't you tell me you were going out?" He asked.

"Oh, well, you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you up. I didn't expect you to wake up before I came back."

"Oh."

Ludwig sat at the table and watched as Elizaveta unpacked the groceries. There was a long silence before the brunette decided to break it.

"So, Christmas will be here soon," She said. "Maybe we can go out for it? Or, we could visit Francis? Or Roderich!"

Ludwig opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. Elizaveta continued.

"We could take the train. Maybe I could call Roderich and we'll all go to Lorraine and spend the Christmas weekend there. Sounds like fun, right? Who knows, maybe Feliciano will be there! Wouldn't you like that?"

"I suppose."

"It'd be fun!"

Ludwig sighed. "Remember how we used to celebrate Christmas with Gilbert?"

Elizaveta turned to him, sadness engulfing her eyes. "Yes. We'd all get drunk and sing and eat a lot... well, not you. You'd usually watch and play games!"

The blond weakly laughed. "That was fun. Lots of fun. I miss him."

"I miss him, too."

"Eliza? May I ask you something?"

The woman smiled. "Of course you may!"

"Why... why did you leave Roderich? Was he not good enough? Was Gilbert better then he?"

Elizaveta flinched and wiped her hands on her dress. "I, ah-"

"When Roderich was here, he told me how heartbroken he was when you left. Do you ever regret it? He really loved you, so... why?"

The brunette sighed and shook her head. "You're right, Ludwig. Gilbert was a better person than Roderich. Because Gilbert... he didn't... he didn't hurt me."

"Hurt you? What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry," Elizaveta turned around. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Just as Ludwig was about to say something, the phone rang, and Elizaveta raced to pick it up.

"Hello?" She asked.

"Hello? W-Who is this?"

Elizaveta raised an eyebrow at the somewhat high pitched voice. "T-This is Ludwig's sister-in-law..."

"Oh. Um... may I please speak to him? Is he there?"

"Yes, um, please wait a moment!"

The brunette sped back to the kitchen and grabbed Ludwig's arm.

"It's for you! Get to the phone!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes as he stood up and trudged to the bedroom, putting the phone up to his ear.

"Hello?"

There was a few moments of silence. "Ciao, Ludwig."

The blond's heart almost stopped. His blue eyes widened and he stammered, trying to find his words.

"I, ah... Feli, I..."

"I know you're surprised, but-"

"Why did you stop replying?! Did you have any idea how much I was affected by you just abandoning me like that?! Don't you realize how... how broken I was...?"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, I... when I got your letter, I was scared. I didn't know how to respond! I'm sorry, Ludwig. Please forgive me."

"You didn't even bother send that painting you promised three months ago..."

"Your painting," Feliciano stopped for a moment. "Ludwig, I'm sorry. But someone stole all my money," He stopped again. "And I didn't want to bother Francis. He's already done so much for me... I've been working really hard to get new art supplies, but everything here is so expensive! I'm sorry, I really am. I feel terrible... a-are we still... friends?"

Ludwig tightly clutched the phone. He struggled to say something, his throat dried up.

"I love you..." He muttered.

"E-Excuse me? I didn't hear you."

"I said I love you! I-I've loved you ever since I met you and I still do! And I thought you hated me and I was so devastated..."

"Hate you? No, I don't hate you! I... quite the opposite, actually."

"Y-You mean you-?"

"Yes, I do. Um, look, I-"

"Christmas. We're coming to Lorraine for the Christmas weekend. We'll talk there," Ludwig smiled. "Okay?"

"Si, very well. I'll... I'll see you then. Oh, um, Ludwig? One more thing, please!"

"Yes? What is it?"

"Um... ich liebe dich..."

"Ti amo, Feli."

When he hung up the phone, he felt that, for the first time in years, a weight was lifted. Ludwig's body felt lighter, happier. He quickly walked out of the bedroom and to the kitchen, where Elizaveta was.

"How was it?" She asked, surprised when the blond's large arms wrapped around her.

"Mein gott, Eliza," Ludwig said, a wide smile on his face. "He... he said it... h-he actually-!"

The brunette's eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

"Yes! He... please, Eliza. Christmas time, we _have _to go to Lorraine. I need to see him again and tell him again in person. Please."

"O-Of course! Of course, we'll go to Francis' house."

"Thank you," Ludwig smiled, tears welling in his eyes. "Thank you."

And for the first time, Ludwig was truly happy.

* * *

**godDAMN IT I KEEP SAYING I'LL MAKE THE CHAPTER LONGER AND IT TURNS OUT BEING REALLY SHORT-**

**I'm gomen you guys I was really tired when writing this and I just spat out random stuff**

**but don't worry**

**next chapter things will go downhill I promise**

**because I know you guys love tragedy uwu**

**and have your feels crushed :') so yeah ! thank you all for reading this really rushed and poorly written chapter.**

**oh, also! announcement ! i'm planning on writing a new story. it'll be AmePan and it'll be a highschool au. i really wanna write it, but i personally wanna know what you guys think and if i should go for it or not. so please, tell me in a review, and support this story by faving or following ! thanks so much! :'D**


	8. Chapter 8

**hey guys! thanks a ton for all the reviews, faves, and follows uwu I really appreciate it! So, about that AmePan story I was talking about last chapter, after three rewrites I found myself unable to actually make myself like it. I'm still gonna write it! But I'm gonna finish this story first, to avoid stress. so yeah! enjoy! :')**

**i don't own hetalia**

* * *

Ludwig wondered where he went wrong.

He did excellent in school. Excelled, even skipped a grade. He obeyed his parents and seniors. He respected them. He never got in trouble with the authority. So where, _where _did he go wrong?

Was it the drinking? Perhaps. He was only sixteen when he started. Drinking at such a young age was looked down upon. But could he help it?

Maybe it was the fact he wasn't in love with a woman. Maybe it was the fact he let his heart break countless times. And he cried too much. Men don't cry.

Is he a man?

Is he normal?

Why is living such a struggle?

Ludwig had run out of answers. And he was so tired of asking questions. He was tired of crying. Tired of feeling his heart shatter like glass. Tired of being broken.

Everything was numb to the point alcohol could no longer comfort him.

Nightmares were frequent. But he didn't wake up in a cold sweat. He woke up crying.

Headaches were common. But he didn't take medicine for it. He'd lie down in bed and hope for it to end.

And Ludwig just waited patiently for the day he'd drop dead.

"Maybe I'll find happiness in another life."

* * *

Elizaveta panicked. She hid all knives. Threw away every kind of alcohol she found. Hid anything that could cause harm. She wasn't going to risk losing a loved one.

Not again.

For the first time, Elizaveta wasn't sure what to do. For the first time, Elizaveta called Roderich.

And she cried for his help.

Tears leaked down her rosy cheeks as she sobbed pathetically, speaking a mixture of English and Hungarian. Elizaveta rarely cried. Very rarely. But she didn't know what to do. She was confused and scared and in pain. Breaking down like this has never happened. Could she help herself?

She didn't know how long she cried. But she knew she had blacked out. And when she woke up, she was on the couch, a blanket wrapped lazily around her. Elizaveta threw off the blanket and raced to Ludwig's room. He was there.

He was alive.

Elizaveta cried again.

She just didn't know what to do.

* * *

Everything was fine. Everything was perfect. They were talking and Ludwig hung up, happy as ever. Christmas was approaching, and he'd finally be with the love of his life. After so long, his dream would come true.

He called the next day. Feliciano didn't answer. Maybe he was busy? He called again later. And again. Francis answered every time.

Ludwig tried again the next day. He was worried.

"He left. He said he... doesn't want to talk to you anymore..."

He stood there, frozen, unable to say anything. Unable to do anything but cry.

Ludwig was alone once again. But it was a kind of loneliness he never felt before. He felt so empty. So worthless. Maybe he deserved it. This is the price he had to pay for his misdeeds.

Elizaveta stayed by Ludwig's side constantly. She was afraid of leaving him. Each day she called Roderich, trying to find her own comfort. She cried, sobbed, vented all of her feelings. She was suffering just as much as Ludwig.

"His mother was the same way," Roderich said. "Much more severe, though. She was a psychopath."

Elizaveta nodded and wiped her tears with a tissue. "S-She was abusive, no?"

"His father, too," Roderich sighed. "Yet he blames himself for Gilbert's death."

"I've never seen him so bad. I'm scared..."

"I know you are. I know. But you have to stay strong, for him."

"It's so difficult..." Elizaveta was on the verge of tears once again. "Roderich, I-"

"Shh. Be there for him. Tell him that everything will be okay. Christmas is next week, yes? Maybe you should tell him you'll go to Lorraine!"

"How will that cheer him up? What if it makes him worse?"

"If it does, I will personally come over there and talk to him myself."

Elizaveta slowly nodded. "V-Very well. I'll tell him."

"Call me back as soon as you do."

"I will. Thank you, Roderich. For everything."

The brunette hung up the phone and wiped her eyes. Her vision was blurry and she felt lightheaded, but she hid it. She walked to the bedroom and opened the door, poking her head inside the room.

"Ludwig...?"

No response. Elizaveta opened the door wider. "Ludwig, I have something to tell you!"

The blond was curled up in a mass of blankets, not moving.

"Ludwig?"

Elizaveta walked over to him and gently shook him. "Wake up, _kedves. _Come on now."

He didn't move. Elizaveta widened her green eyes and shook him harder, panic rising in her voice.

"Ludwig! Ludwig, wake up! Ludwig!"

"Leave me alone."

Elizaveta put her hand over her mouth, trying to hold back tears. "_Ó Istenem! _I... I thought you were dead!"

Nothing. Elizaveta sighed and sat on the bed. She gently stroked his head through the sheets.

"We're going to take a trip to Lorraine to see Francis for Christmas. Alright?"

No reply. Elizaveta continued.

"We're going to have so much fun! We'll sight-see and eat lots of wonderful food... it'll be wonderful! Have you ever been to France, Ludwig? I haven't, so this trip will be fabulous! Don't you agree?"

There were a few minutes of agonizing silence before Ludwig finally spoke, his voice raspy from lack of use.

"France...?" He whispered.

"Yes! Roderich will be there too, I think."

"What about... Feliciano?"

Elizaveta sadly frowned. "I'm not sure if he'll be there. If he will be, you'll see him, yes?"

"I... I miss him. I love him... I love him so much it hurts..."

"I know. I know, I know. It's painful, I understand, but Ludwig, it's been a week since you've fallen so deep into depression. I hate seeing you like this. I know you love him and how much he means to you, but life goes on. You musn't be brought down like this. You'll see him again! It's not the end of the world, Ludwig. So please, get up and fix yourself!"

"Please don't make me..."

"I'm serious Ludwig!" Elizaveta firmly placed her hands on her hips.

"I look horrible..."

"Please. I want to help you."

Ludwig moved slightly.

* * *

"I don't think there's anyone who hates me more than myself."

"Don't say that. You're a wonderful man, really."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not. I'm telling the truth."

Ludwig sighed and looked out the window, watching as the grey mountains in the distance moved with them.

"How is Francis?" He asked. Elizaveta smiled.

"He's fine. He's ecstatic to know we're visiting."

"Oh."

The brunette slightly frowned. "You need sleep."

Ludwig touched the undersides of his eyes and looked away. Bags and black circles made him look much older.

"I'm sorry. It's been difficult to sleep."

"Oh?"

"It takes me a long time to fall asleep. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep."

Elizaveta slowly nodded. "I see. And the hypnotics aren't working?"

"No... and, also..." Ludwig leaned closer to her. "I-I'm starting to hear voices... and see things..."

The green eyed woman's breath hitched. "Is that so?"

"Yes. It's... it's scary, Eliza."

"Well, I heard France has great doctors. Don't worry, _kedves. _We'll get you help soon."

Ludwig leaned against the window again. "The train moves so slowly."

* * *

"You're here, you're here! Come, come in!"

Elizaveta laughed. "Thank you, Francis," She said as she lugged her suitcase inside his house. Francis hurried ahead of her and helped her with her suitcase, and walked to the guest room.

"I'm so glad you two are here, really! I spent all night thinking of something you'd enjoy eating! Oh, you must be exhausted. I made breakfast! How was the train ride?"

Elizaveta deeply sighed as Francis rambled, and crossed her arms.

"Where's Feliciano?" Ludwig asked, examining the room. Francis turned to him.

"Oh, _mon ami, _I am so sorry, but he left two days ago..."

"The twentieth? D-Did he say anything?"

"Well, he said he was leaving for Franche-Comté. Oh, but he left a painting for you!"

Ludwig's heart skipped a beat. "May I see it?"

"Now now," Elizaveta said. "I suggest we all eat and relax before talking about anything serious, yes?"

She cleared her throat, ran her hands over her navy blue dress, and walked out of the room. Francis chuckled and smiled.

"Whatever she says, goes. Come, Ludwig. You must me terribly hungry! Don't worry, I've prepared a fabulous meal for you. I just hope you enjoy it!"

Ludwig slowly nodded and followed Francis to the kitchen. Somehow, he felt incredibly lonely.

And broken, once again.

* * *

"Can you believe some of these children? They have absolutely no manners! Disrespecting and treating me like I'm nothing, ugh! And their attitude is the worst! I wonder how their parents raised them. They act like animals! Being a teacher is hard word, especially one that teaches _English! _They hate it! Though, some girls just fawn over me. Maybe it's my hair, of course, I _am _beautiful. Oh, and some of the women are such whores. Always flirting with me. I mean, some of them are attractive, but I'm not ready to settle down! I need some time to meet the right woman and get to know her... or male. It doesn't matter, I'm willing to go with anyone. Just, not right now, you know? Oh, but back to the story, every single time I tell them I'm not ready, they just twirl their hair and bat their eyelashes and say, 'well, I'll be here when you're ready'! Ugh, disgusting, isn't it? I just wanted to curse them out, right then and there!"

Elizaveta groaned. "Pardon my rudeness Francis, but you're ranting again."

Francis stopped talking and gasped sharply. "So I am! _Je suis désolé_! Forgive me, forgive me."

"You're a motor mouth, Francis," Elizaveta giggled. "You talk a mile a minute."

"Ah, so I've been told. It's hard to control when you have so much on your mind."

"I understand completely."

Elizaveta turned to Ludwig and smiled. "How is the food? Do you like it?"

"I-I hope it's enjoyable!" Francis said. Ludwig nodded.

"It's very good. Thank you."

"Oh, that's a relief. Some people despise my cooking."

The brunette raised an eyebrow. "But your food is delicious! I love it!"

"Oh, thank you, _mon cheri. _I appreciate it! So, you said Roderich was going to come?"

"He's going to try," Elizaveta said. "He might come on Christmas morning. I'm not too sure yet."

"I hope he does! It'll be grand!" Francis sighed in content. "Absolutely wonderful, considering I spend my days alone."

He laughed, but Elizaveta could sense sadness. It was there in his eyes, his smile, the way he spoke. Francis was alone, too. Yet, he hid it so well.

"Oh!" The Frenchman exclaimed. "Ludwig, why don't I show you the painting Feliciano left?"

Ludwig nodded. "Yes. I'd like that."

"Follow me then."

Francis stood up and hummed as he walked out of the living room, Ludwig following closely behind. They stopped in a hallway, where there was a door. Francis opened the door and took out a canvas, holding it in front of it with a wide smile. Ludwig's blue eyes fell onto the painting, and his lip quivered.

It was a painting of him smiling widely, looking like the sun was shining brightly. A light red covered his cheeks, revealing his faint freckles. It was a painting of _him._ Feliciano drew _him. _In small cursive at the corner of the canvas read _basta che sorridi, amore. _Ludwig cried. And for the first time, it wasn't out of pain or anguish.

It was out of happiness.

Because he felt fixed.

* * *

**translations-**

**Ó Istenem!- oh my god! (Hungarian)**

**mon ami- my friend (French)**

**Je suis désolé!- I'm very sorry! (French)**

**mon cheri- my darling (French)**

**basta che sorridi, amore- just keep smiling, love (Italian)**

* * *

**ANNOUNCEMENT I REALIZED CHAPTER 6 I WROTE NARCOTICS INSTEAD OF HYPNOTICS GOMEN-**

* * *

**wheeeww finally finished this! ahh sorry for the sort of late update, I had little time to write and I was sorta rushing this chapter uwu;; but I hope it was good enough! enteerrr Francis. I love him so so much. **

**reviews, faves, and follows are welcomed! thanks so much for reading, see you next chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

**wow, you guys are great! thanks so much for the continued support! I know this constant thanking is getting annoying but I really appreciate it, and I'd feel bad if I didn't thank you guys for sticking with me =v= also this is the longest I've kept a series! 9 chapters, wowie kazowie! I'm usually really bad with keeping series so this is a huge milestone for me!**

**as a response to Meluzina's overwhelmingly kind review, no, I am not Hungarian (I wish I was though lel). I just do a lot of research when searching for words in another language. Well, I do a lot of research in general. But I don't mind it!**

**Thank you all again for the support :')**

* * *

Ludwig's decision was certainly unexpected.

It was without warning. And Elizaveta and Francis were certainly surprised.

"You're... going to see your mother?" The brunette asked in disbelief.

"Yes. I want to see her. I haven't seen her since Gilbert died and... I just feel like I need to. I think I need some closure."

"Ludwig, I don't think that's a good idea." Francis commented.

"I want to. She's here in Lorraine."

"Well then," Elizaveta started, finishing the last of her tea. "We will come with you."

"You will?" Ludwig asked.

Elizaveta nodded and glared at Francis, who also quickly nodded.

"Of course we will!" The Frenchman smiled. "We are here for you, Ludwig."

He smiled back. "Thank you."

* * *

The hospital was lonely and smelled of despair. Ludwig shivered at the atmosphere. The air was heavy and musty. It made him feel like something was sitting on his chest, choking him. They walked to the receptionist and Francis translated.

"She's on the third floor, room 3C. A nurse should be there." He said. They walked down a dim hall and Ludwig swore he heard the voices of the patients. Elizaveta and Francis said they didn't hear anything.

Maybe he was just tired.

The closer they got to the elevator, the louder the voices became. Ludwig whirled around, scanning the hall, but nobody was there except for the occasional nurse. The voices came to feel like somebody was whispering in his ear.

But he didn't say anything about it.

To say it was disturbing him would be an understatement. He tapped his foot impatiently, and he crossed his arms. It only took a few moments for him to realize he looked like he was in a straitjacket. Ludwig was sure he officially lost it.

They stepped onto the elevator in complete silence, save for the humming of the machine. Ludwig looked around nervously. He did not feel safe.

"Ludwig?" Francis asked. "Are you alright? You look pale."

"I'm fine," The blond quietly replied. "Just, uh, nervous."

"You've been awfully jittery," Elizaveta pointed out. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Ludwig quickly nodded. "Yes. I'm fine, I'm fine."

But he wasn't fine, because when they reached the floor, his heart raced and his body trembled. His hands became sweaty, and he found himself staying close to Elizaveta. The room was on the other end of the hall, and a female voice suddenly entered Ludwig's head.

_You're pathetic. Your own mother didn't even want you._

He ignored the voice, and gulped, knocking on the door.

"Are you sure you can face her, Ludwig?" Francis asked, putting his hand on Ludwig's shoulder. The blond nodded.

"I'm sure."

The door opened, and a young woman holding a clipboard stepped out.

"Oh," She said. "Hello. Are you here to see Claudia?"

"My mother," Ludwig choked out. "Yes. I-I... we would like to see her."

The nurse slowly nodded and walked back inside the room. "Claudia?" She softly said. "There's some people here to see you!"

There was a deathly silence. The nurse turned to them and motioned for them to come in. Ludwig slowly walked in, hugging himself, examining the pearly white room. There was only a window and a bed, where a woman wearing a white shirt and pants, with long blonde hair and icy blue eyes lied down. She blinked slowly, staring at the ceiling. Ludwig gulped and shivered.

"_M... Mutter?" _He whispered. The woman, Claudia, turned her head to him. She frowned, folds forming at the corners of her mouth. Francis and Elizaveta looked at each other, and nodded as they walked out of the room.

Ludwig walked over to Claudia and forced a small smile as he took her hand in his.

"_Mutter," _He mumbled. "D-Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do," She replied coldly, her voice scratchy. "You're my damn son."

The words struck and stabbed Ludwig, but he hid it. He wasn't going to break down in front of her. The nurse cleared her throat.

"Excuse me." She said before quickly walking out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Ludwig was terrified.

"Why are you here?" Claudia asked, yanking her hand away from her son's.

"I-I am here for Christmas. I just thought it would be nice to see you."

"Who said I wanted to see you?" The blonde woman asked, raising her voice. Ludwig looked down. "I-I'm sorry. I just thought-"

"What _did _you think, you selfish brat? I do not want to see your face."

"_Mutter_...?"

Claudia widened her eyes and bared her teeth. "Get the hell away from me you murderer!" She screeched. Ludwig stepped back.

"I... what?"

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT GILBERT DIED! HE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU MURDERER!"

"_Mutter..."_

"I HATE YOU! I ALWAYS HAVE AND I ALWAYS WILL! YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT! GET OUT, GET OUT!"

The door swung open, and Francis, Elizaveta, and the nurse came rushing in. The nurse pinned down Claudia's arms as she flailed, yelling horrible things, all directed at Ludwig.

"You should go!" The nurse said. "Please, just go!"

Ludwig didn't have to be told twice.

* * *

The rest of the day following, Ludwig found himself locked in his room, trying to comfort himself from the voices he was hearing. Francis and Elizaveta occasionally checked up on him, but decided it was best if they left him alone.

_You pitiful, disgusting slob. All you do is cry and complain. No one loves you. No one will ever love you. You will die alone. No one will cry for you. This is what you deserve._

Before he knew it, tears were leaking out of his eyes. Ludwig couldn't stand it. He hated it.

The door open, and Francis sadly smiled. "Ludwig?" He quietly asked. "Are you awake? Dinner is ready. Elizaveta cooked it. She says the way she makes food always manages to make you feel better so... come eat."

"Not hungry." Ludwig mumbled.

"Please? You must eat something. You haven't had anything since this morning!"

"Leave me alone."

Francis stood in the doorway for a few moments before sighing and nodding.

"Um, Ludwig? _T__u es jolie. Fais des beaux rêves._"

And for the rest of the night, Ludwig was left wondering just how much Francis' words affected him.

* * *

Christmas eve came. And it was snowing.

Ludwig looked out the window, exhaling and drawing random shapes. They started off simple. A triangle. A square. A curl like Feliciano's. Elizaveta watched him. He must've been bored.

His shapes changed, however. Into faces. An angry face, a frowning person. A gun and an alcohol bottle. Elizaveta's head tilted to the side as her brows furrowed.

"What are you doing?" She asked, worry in her voice. Ludwig sighed.

"How would you react if I died?"

Elizaveta's green eyes widened and she slowly shook her head. "I... no. No. You are _not _asking that question. No, Ludwig."

The blond shrugged. "I'm just wondering. Please answer."

"I'm not. No. I refuse."

"Huh. So you hate me, too?"

"No!" Elizaveta began to panic. "No, of course not!"

"So why won't you answer?"

Why didn't she answer? Elizaveta wasn't sure herself. Perhaps she was? She was suddenly confused. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath, struggling to hold back tears.

"Because I'm scared."

Ludwig turned to her. "Scared? Of what?"

Elizaveta's lip quivered. "I don't want to lose you, too. I don't want to go through another funeral. I don't want to cry myself to sleep. I've done that enough, and I'm running out of tears, Ludwig," She whispered, her voice cracking. "It hurts to cry. I'm so sick of it."

Ludwig trembled. "I just-"

"I know life is hard! And I knew it's difficult, but please... we care... Ludwig, don't ever think about taking your own life because it's too precious! I don't want you to end up like Gilbert! S-So, get away from the window and let's eat something. Francis left us food, but he'll be back soon..."

It was the first time Ludwig saw Elizaveta cry.

* * *

They ate slowly, and in silence, barely muttering a word when Francis came in, happy and cheerful as ever.

He tried to brighten the atmosphere by singing Christmas songs and telling stories of how the city lit up in the evening, but it only did so much. Elizaveta smiled and brushed him off with a, "That's nice! It sounds wonderful!"

Ludwig didn't say anything at all.

Francis joined them in eating, and while he continued to try to lighten the mood, his efforts remained futile. It was then that Francis frowned, gived up, and ate in silence with the other two.

The quietness was bothersome he had to admit. Not talking was awkward, and Francis didn't enjoy it. Not one bit. He groaned and shifted in his seat.

"How are you, Ludwig?" He finally asked, desperate to say _something. _Ludwig shrugged and poked at his half-full plate of food.

"I'm fine." He said plainly, in an almost monotonous tone.

"Are you sure? You look a little pale."

Ludwig sighed in response and nodded. "I'm fine." He repeated. Elizaveta's eyebrows creased with worry, and she looked at Francis, who slowly nodded.

"Right, very well. What about you, Eliza?"

"I'm fine as well," The brunette replied. "I'm a little tired, though. I just need some sleep."

"Hm, you should go to bed early in that case. Tomorrow is Christmas and we have a lot to do! We'll go shopping and eat out and drink wine and laugh and have a good time! Right? Right?"

Francis expected a reply, but he didn't receive one. Looking back and forth between the two, Francis stood up and stormed to his room. He wasn't sure whether he was upset, or depressed. But it was Christmas eve, and he couldn't let himself get worked up in such a way. He had to stay strong.

* * *

Christmas day was, thankfully, much better than the night before. Elizaveta woke up peppy, and even Ludwig, who seemed to become emotionally distant the past few days, had a small smile on his face. Francis had bought both of them presents- he gave Elizaveta a silver locket necklace, and Ludwig a brown leather watch.

"I've been saving up since March of this year, in case I met a nice man or woman, and I'd want to give them something extra special," He said, helping to clip the necklace around Elizaveta's neck. He smiled widely. "I'm so happy it was enough to pay for these, and I even have a little bit left over!"

"Thank you," Ludwig said, examining his watch. "I really appreciate it. Thank you!"

"It's beautiful Francis," Elizaveta smiled and gave the Frenchman a friendly peck on the cheek. "I feel horrible for not getting you anything!"

Pink covered his cheeks, and he smiled back. "There's no need to. You are my friends, or more like family in my eyes, non?"

"Yes," Elizaveta giggled. "_Exactly _like family."

Francis clapped his eyes together, his blue eyes shining. "Now, put on your best clothes! We'll be going to a very nice restaurant tonight!"

* * *

It was the first time in a while Francis cry. But for the first time, it wasn't out of sorrow or woe. It was out of joy and overwhelming hope.

"Francis?" Elizaveta asked, taking his hand in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Francis wiped his tears and looked at her, then Ludwig, and then the scene in front of him, the buildings lit bright greens and reds.

"I'm just so happy," He quietly said, though it was so loud, he wasn't sure if he had even said. "I'm so happy to be with you both. Thank you. Thank for for making this the best Christmas I've ever experienced!"

Elizaveta warmly smiled. "And let there be many more." She looked over at Ludwig, who seemed mesmerized by the whole scenery.

"I've never seen so many colours at once," The blond said in awe. "It's beautiful..."

Francis grabbed his hands and smiled. _"__Je suis si heureux," _He whispered, closing his eyes and taking in the sound, the smell, the feel of Lorraine.

Home.

And for a moment, it made him forget that there was war going on.

* * *

**translations-**

**Mutter_- _mother (German)**

**Vater- father (German)**

**Tu es jolie. Fais des beaux rêves- you are beautiful. Have sweet dreams. (French)**

**Je suis si heureux- I am so happy (French)**

* * *

**fruhun to shIP OR NOT TO SHIp**

**they're hella cute yo hellahella**

**hmmm yes i might make a pairing out of them yes yes**

**AND THEN BAM TRAGEDY i mean w hat ?**

**ok no seriously i think you guys are gonna have to get used to short and poorly written chapters **

**and perhaps longer updates because i'm very stressed but i'm trying ! i really like my random but quick updating speed !**

**i hope you guys enjoyed this :') please leave a review, fave, or follow! thank you!**


	10. Chapter 10

**hey guys !**

**this chapter is gonna be a liiiitle bit different in terms of how it's written, and it's also gonna be pretty short**

**so i hope you like it ! :')**

**i don't own hetalia uwu**

* * *

Ludwig had a voice.

And that voice told him to search for the one he loved.

That voice told him to find Feliciano. Go to Franche-Comté. Hug him. Kiss him. Love him. So Ludwig packed his things.

And he left.

* * *

The train ride was awfully lonely. Ludwig spent the hour looking out of the window, so many thoughts racing through his head. His mother's cruel words echoed in his ears. He wondered how she was doing. Is she happy? Sad? Does she regret what she said?

Then his thoughts wandered to darker places. Ludwig closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_He's in Hell. He can't hurt you now._

It became his mental catchphrase. He repeated it, over and over again. He then began to think about Elizaveta and Francis. Surely they've been hurt by his sudden abscence. He didn't even leave a letter explaining his departure.

_You're terrible. They've looked after you, cared for you, and this is how you repay them? You're a pathetic excuse for a human._

Ludwig frowned. He was tired of this bothersome voice. Who did it belong to? It was female. Perhaps his mother? He wasn't sure. It was just a voice.

His mother had voices, as well. Several. Many. She had apparently lost count of how many there were.

And after Gilbert's death, there wasn't anything that could stop her rage. She was deemed criminally insane. Ludwig was beginning to think he was insane as well. Like his sick mother, hearing voices and seeing things that didn't exist. Except, they did exist. Exclusively to him. Delusions of being happy with Feliciano, having a nice family in a world where wrath and war and judgement didn't exist.

When Ludwig had such dreams, he knew he would have a good day.

* * *

The train arrived at the station and suddenly everything went spiraling downhill. When Ludwig knew he was alone, he fell to his knees, tightly gripped his suitcase, and cried. He struggled to catch his breath as he sobbed quietly, and ignored the stares and whispers of people who passed by. He didn't care anymore. All he wanted was to be with his dear Feliciano. The peculiar man who he had met at a train station, the artist version of Mozart, with skin so soft and a voice so innocent and a soul so kind Ludwig wondered if such a human could exist. Perhaps he was an angel. Because in his twenty two years of life, Ludwig had never met someone as amazing as Feliciano.

He wasn't sure how long he was crying, but when he stood up, his eyes felt dry and his head felt light. Ludwig stumbled forward, barely able to hold his suitcase. People must've thought he was drunk.

He needed some alcohol now.

* * *

Elizaveta screamed. She wailed, she sobbed. She cried for Ludwig's name, even though she knew she wouldn't get an answer. She paced and muttered and even cooked out of worry. She brushed her hair, tied and retied it. She washed clothes and rearranged shoes. She dusted the house, cleaned it up, despite Francis telling her she didn't have to. And when she finished, with nothing else to do, she pulled Francis over to the couch, tightly hugged him, and cried on his shoulder. She whispered to him, begged for him to wake her up from her terrible nightmare.

But Francis isn't a miracle worker.

The best he could do was stroke her hair and tell her that everything would be okay. Sing her a lullaby in French. Tell her stories of when they were growing up. He began to wonder who he was comforting- her or himself? But Francis tried. He knew of Ludwig's mental instability. He knew Elizaveta was terribly worried about him. He knew she was scared he would end up like Gilbert. He was scared, too, scared of losing her to the grips of agony and despair, like he almost did so many years ago.

Elizaveta had stopped crying. Francis began to talk. Telling of adventures with Gilbert, how close friends they were. How he loved harassing Roderich since he was weak. Pulling pranks on the young and elderly alike. Reminiscing on how simple life was back then. And he talked more, Elizaveta closing her eyes, listening to his soothing voice.

And it slipped.

Francis revealed it. Elizaveta widened her green eyes, her mouth hung slightly open. Her eyes watered, she didn't say anything. She just smiled.

Francis prepared himself for rejection. Elizaveta was already in love, with Gilbert at least, even though he was no longer here. His heart longed for her, but he knew he couldn't have her.

He was wrong.

Elizaveta didn't need to say anything. She leaned forward and, ever so gently, placed her lips against Francis', tasting faint, sweet wine. Francis couldn't help but return the kiss, because he knew all Elizaveta ever wanted, all she ever needed, was someone to hold her, touch her, kiss her, feel her, gently and softly. Someone to remind her that love without pain is real, and loving another doesn't have to end in hatred.

Elizaveta knew Francis wouldn't hurt her, because when he pulled away, there was a look in his blue eyes that told her she didn't have to be afraid anymore. No words were spoken, no words needed to be spoken, because their passionite kiss was enough to tell each other what they were thinking.

Elizaveta let Francis run his hands down her fragile body. For a moment, she forgot about her worries for Ludwig, her tears over Gilbert, her memories of Roderich, her fear of the world. For a moment, Ludwig's tears turned into Francis' warm embrace, and Gilbert's cries turned into Francis' soft voice, and Roderich's hits turned into Francis' delicate kisses. For a moment, it was just them in the world, and all of Elizaveta's negative emotions, her despair, her sorrow, her grief, her agony, rushed out of her and turned into something brilliant.

It turned into a little thing called happiness.

Elizaveta didn't know at what point her dress came off, and she didn't know at what point Francis' chest became visible to her eyes, but it didn't matter. Because for the first time in years, she wasn't forced to do this, and for the first time in years, she felt safe and secure. She enjoyed it, she loved it, this feeling of desire, happiness, it was a wonderous feeling.

They whispered to each other sweet words amongst the mass of blankets, said comforting things, reassured each other, because in all honesty, they were both scared- Francis scared of hurting Elizaveta. Elizaveta scared of getting hurt. But pain was non-existent, instead replaced by pure love and raw romance.

And when they joined as one, Elizaveta didn't know that the happiness she felt could exist, and she felt like she had finally been set free of all her mental prisons. It didn't hurt because Francis was gentle, and Francis was soft, and he'd never do anything to cause any sort of pain for her, and Elizaveta realized that the perfect man she was searching for all her life was right by her side.

And when they reached their climax, Elizaveta had never felt so complete, so amazing in her life. Francis lied next to her, and they embraced, and Elizaveta felt so sweet. She fell asleep and dreamt of happiness.

And she smiled.

* * *

Ludwig swore he saw an angel. That angel spoke to him, but he didn't remember what it said. Something. He tried to recall, but he just couldn't remember.

But Ludwig remember the feeling in his chest, how his heart beat so quickly when he first met Feliciano. It was such a bittersweet feeling.

It was enough to make him cry.

Ludwig didn't cry, though, because he had run out of tears, and he was tired of crying himself to sleep, and all he wanted was to feel like he was loved.

He hated hotels. They were so lonely, and so confining. Ludwig wondered how people could be in them for long periods of time. They were the only place where he could think normally, though, because he knew nobody would bother him, nobody would judge him except for himself.

He couldn't sleep once again, because there were voices telling him to do something else. But what else could he do? Take a walk, perhaps.

So Ludwig changed into a casual outfit and made his way outside. The sun was setting, and maybe that was why he couldn't sleep. It was too early. He walked down the lonely street, stuffing his hands into his pockets, kicking pebbles. He walked by closed stores and couples holding hands. He walked by parked cars and stray dogs.

He walked past a bakery, and Ludwig took a moment to look inside it. It was bright and friendly, people chatting inside, sitting at tables, smiling and laughing. Oh, how Ludwig envied to be like one of them. He frowned as he looked inside the window, and the people inside must've thought he was some drunken homeless fool. He sighed and was about to continue walking until he caught a glimpse of brown. Looking back inside, his eyes widened and tears formed. A man smiled warmly as he set a glass at a table with a young couple, striking a small conversation with them.

Hazel brown eyes and dark brown hair, Ludwig immediately recognized the man, and his heart shattered.

It was Feliciano.

* * *

**i made this chapter hella short on purpose ! i rreeeaaallly like how i wrote this, there was no dialogue but i hope i put a good picture in you guys' heads!**

**fruhun it's official now and nobody can stop me do you understand**

**anyway thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a review, fave, or follow ! thank you!**


	11. Chapter 11

**oh my gosh i'm so sorry for the long update ! i was so busy with school and family i barely had any time to write. i'm so sorry !**

**i don't own hetalia!**

* * *

Ludwig didn't know what to do.

Half of him wanted to go in there, grab Feliciano's shoulder, and say "I love you". But the other half said to walk away. Walk away because Feliciano didn't want to see him. He didn't know what to do. He shook, trembled, not noticing the stares he got from the people in the bakery. He gulped and his mind began to race. Thoughts ran. Voice yelled. Ludwig's head was searing, and he knew there was only one way to stop it.

He walked inside.

The bakery was loud, busy, waiters and waitresses scurrying back and forth, carefully holding trays and trying to satisfy hungry customers. Ludwig kept his head to down. He desperately wanted to just break down and start crying. Feliciano was in the same place as him, smiling, happy. Ludwig wondered why. Was it because he was out of his life? He never had to see him again? It made his stomach growl and twist.

He somehow made his way to an empty table without bursting into tears. His head stayed down, and he ran his hand through his hair. His eyes suddenly became heavy and the noise around him became muffled.

"_Guten abend,_ sir!"

Ludwig looked up and suddenly the whole world faded away. His blue eyes went wide, and tears began to run down his cheeks. Feliciano's grinning face and kind brown eyes was what he saw. His words resounded in his head.

"F... Feli..." The blond choked out. The Italian tilted his head to the side.

"Pardon?" He asked.

"Feli..." Ludwig said a bit louder. He stood up, grabbed Feliciano's shoulders, and crashed their lips together.

The whole bakery went silent. Everyone's eyes turned to the kissing men, some with their mouth hung open, others looking away in disgust. Feliciano's eyes grew to the size of saucers, and he pushed Ludwig away. Murmurs began, and the brunet tore off his apron, threw it to the floor, and stormed out of the shop.

Had Ludwig officially messed up?

The blond grabbed Feliciano's apron and followed him outside.

"Feli! Wait!" He shouted, running down the street. Seeing Feliciano's angry figure, he quickened his pace.

"Feliciano, please wait! I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that! I'm... sorry..."

He stopped walking when the Italian did the same. Feliciano whirled around, tears threatening to spill over his honey brown eyes.

"_Il mio amore_..." He whispered before running to the blond and wrapping his arms around him. Ludwig stumbled back, his knees and arms going weak. His heart pounded like it was going to burst out of his chest, and he felt like it stopped when Feliciano placed soft lips against his.

It was just them in the world. No one or nothing else mattered. Feliciano's lips made Ludwig feel like he was kissing a cloud, and it was sweet, it tasted of sugar and icing. The blond wanted more, to feel so alive, so complete, and heard himself whimpering when Feliciano pulled away.

"I'm sorry for running out like that," He started, cluthing Ludwig's shirt and burying his head into the crook of his neck. "But if all those people saw me kiss back..."

Ludwig's hand trembled as he reached out and stroked Feliciano's hair. He wondered if this was just a dream, an illusion. But these feelings were too real for it to be a dream. He smiled widely, and all he wanted to do was kiss Feliciano again. He wanted to feel more than just an empty being. He wanted his heart to beat, he wanted his blood to rush, he wanted to feel alive.

"_Küss mich_." He muttered. Feliciano stared at him for a moment before smiling and closing his eyes, and their lips met once again. Ludwig felt a way he had never felt before. Feliciano was here, in his arms, embracing him in exact the way he wanted it. They pulled away, and all Ludwig wanted to do was cry, because he was so happy it was overwhelming.

"Why did you leave...?" He asked, pressing his forehead to the Italian's.

"I'm sorry," Feliciano replied, closing his eyes. "I-I was so confused and so scared. Every time I thought about you, my heart pounded and I didn't know what to do. I was scared of what Francis would think. I was scared of what everyone would think. There was just so much going through my mind. My brother dying, and my cousin... my cousin joined the army and..."

Feliciano sadly frowned and it was then that Ludwig noticed how tired, how drained of hope he looked. His brown eyes didn't shine like the first time they met. His skin looked paler, and he looked skinnier. It broke Ludwig's heart.

"Please don't cry," The blond whispered softly into Feliciano's ear. "Everything will be fine. Come back with me, to Frankfurt. I'll take care of you. You won't have to worry about anything... tomorrow is New Years Eve and I-"

"I want to spend it with you!" Feliciano quickly said. Light pink tinted his cheeks and he looked down. "I-I want to spend New Years with you, Ludwig... b-because... because I love you."

Everything paused. Ludwig suddenly felt so light, like a heavy weight sitting on his chest was finally lifted. Emotions overwhelmed him, and the only thing he could do was cry.

"I love you too," He said, smiling. "I love you so much."

* * *

Ludwig remembered the first time he saw an angel. The angel smiled warmly and spoke to him. It ignited a new feeling in him, and it was a wonderful experience.

He had never felt so hopeful in his life.

They embraced the whole train ride, Feliciano laying in Ludwig's arms, looking out the window as fields of brown grass passed by them. Mountains rose in the distance, and the grey clouds made Feliciano wonder if it was going to rain.

Ludwig loved the happiness he was feeling. His stomach fluttered and his heart raced. He touched Feliciano's skin, tasted his lips, smelled his scent. It was wonderful. It was almost addicting. He tried not to be affectionate, afraid of what others would say. When no one was looking, he'd sneak a kiss on the cheek and a quiet 'I love you', and it was more than enough to make the both of them delighted. Ludwig never felt so complete in his life. Feliciano was what he needed to make him feel alive again. He loved it. He loved him.

Going back to Francis' home, they held each others hand. They didn't speak much. Words were unnecessary. Their soft gazes and kind smiles were plenty to show how they were feeling. It was like he was born into another life, the perfect life he'd always imagined. He loved it.

* * *

Ludwig froze when he stood in front of the brown door. His throat went dry.

"It's okay." Feliciano said, giving Ludwig's hand a reassuring squeeze. He knocked on the door once, twice, three times. They waited a few moments before the door opened. Elizaveta stood in the doorway, wearing a baby blue dress, her hair tied into a bun. Moments of painful silence passed. Her lip quivered and she cried Ludwig's name, tightly hugging him, not bothering to hold back tears as she cried about how much she missed him.

She let the two inside, kissed Ludwig's cheeks and hugged Feliciano.

"Francis and I were worried sick about you!" She exclaimed, turning to the Frenchman as he sipped his tea.

"We were!" Francis added. "Where did you go?"

"I... I went to find Feliciano," Ludwig quietly said. Guilt wrapped its terrifying arms around him, squeezing him, engulfing him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Elizaveta smiled and nodded. "It's fine, Ludwig. We're just glad you're okay."

"How have you been doing, Feliciano?" Francis asked. The Italian gave a sheepish smile.

"Things have been tough, very tough. But I've managed to survive."

"You two must be starving! I'll prepare lunch for you, then."

"I'll help!" Feliciano cried.

As Francis and Feliciano walked to the kitchen, Ludwig couldn't help but notice the look Elizaveta gave the Frenchman.

"Why do you look like that?" The blond asked. Elizaveta blinked rapidly and turned to him.

"Hm? Look like what?"

"As if... you love him."

Elizaveta blushed and looked around, struggling to find her words. "W-Well, I, ah..." She sighed, her green eyes turning to her lap. "Because I do."

Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "What happened while I was gone?"

"Well, Francis and I, we... I-I suppose you can say we're a c-couple now."

The blond coughed. "Is that so?"

Elizaveta slowly nodded. "I hope you're not mad."

"I'm not! There is no reason to be, is there? I'm happy for you," He smiled. "Very happy."

The brunette smiled back and sighed in relief. "Thank you."

* * *

The four spent News Years together drinking cider and wine, telling each other stories, enjoying each other's company. It was the first time in years any of them have had such a jolly time- and they knew it very well could be their last. The next day was when Ludwig and Feliciano boarded the train to Frankfurt- Elizaveta had decided to stay with Francis for a bit longer before returning to her home in Budapest.

Going back home was wonderfully nostalgic for Ludwig. He smiled as he passed by the park he used to go to as a child, the hospital and university, the restaurants he used to eat at. He was reliving everything, with Feliciano. It set off fireworks inside of him.

When they reached his flat, Ludwig made a beeline to his bedroom and plopped onto the bed. He sighed happily, and smiled widely as Feliciano came into the room.

"You have a very nice house," The Italian said, examining the room. "It's comfy and cute. I like it!"

Ludwig sat up and grabbed Feliciano's hand. "I'm glad you think so, _liebe._"

Feliciano frowned and sat on the bed next to the blond, placing his hands on his lap.

"What about your studies? I know you really want to become a doctor and..."

Ludwig chuckled. "I don't think the university wants me back anymore. I can try to go back there, but I don't expect them to welcome me." He explained simply with a smile.

"You shouldn't think like that! Isn't being a doctor your dream?"

"I'd be a terrible doctor," Ludwig sighed. "I myself am sick. I don't take care of myself. What kind of doctor is like that?"

"Then..." Feliciano gently touched his arm. "Then why not see someone who can help you?"

"Because nobody can help me. I have a disease unknown in today's world that has no cure. In the next couple of years I'll be placed in a mental hospital, just like my mother. Or I'll end up dead."

Feliciano whimpered. "P-Please don't say that, Ludwig! You're better than that!"

"Would you like something to eat?" The blond asked quickly, changing the subject.

"I, um, well-"

"Roderich gave me a cook book for my birthday. Perhaps we can make something together?"

Feliciano sighed and slowly nodded. "If that's what you want, I won't reject," He forced a smile. "Let's make some pasta!"

* * *

In the days following, Ludwig and Feliciano spent all their time together. Outside, they hid their affections, but when they were alone, they'd cook or read or teach each other their mother tongue.

"German is hard!" Feliciano whined, clutching a pillow, a pout on his face.

"It isn't, you just pronounce the words oddly," Ludwig said. "Try again. _Schön, dich kennenzulernen."_

The Italian stuck out his tongue. "I can't pronounce the last one correctly..."

"Of course you can, _liebe!_ Just sound it out."

Feliciano put his hand over Ludwig's. "I think that's enough German for today. Why don't I teach you Italian? _E' bene!"_

Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "Roderich taught me a bit from his studies in Naples, but..."

"Then you'll learn more!"

The blond sighed. "Very well. I'll learn some, because you've gone through the trouble of learning German."

"_Grazie!" _Feliciano happily cried, throwing his arms around Ludwig's neck, pushing him down the on the bed. Ludwig laughed and closed his eyes as Feliciano kissed him, sincerely and sweetly. They didn't pull away after a few moments, but only deepened it, their tongues caught in a passionate dance. They fought for dominance, though Ludwig quickly won it, and rolled over so his larger body hovered over Feliciano's. They slowly pulled away to catch their breath, and gazed into each others eyes.

"_Te amo mucho..._" Feliciano whispered, smiling. Ludwig chuckled and touched their foreheads together.

"_Ich liebe dich auch." _He quietly said. They kissed again, pulling away a few seconds later, and Ludwig's lips met the soft skin of Feliciano's skin. The Italian gasped at the sudden contact, his cheeks going red.

"I, ah..."

"Is something wrong?"

Feliciano took a deep breathe and slowly shook his head. "I-I'd rather you don't do that..."

Ludwig quickly nodded and rolled off of Feliciano, nervously twiddling with his thumbs.

"I'm sorry, I-"

The Italian sat up. "It's okay! It's just, I'm not ready for that. Not yet, at least."

"Of course! I was going too fast! I-I'm sorry..."

"Do not apologize. Let's continue those language lessons!"

Ludwig slightly smiled and nodded. "Very well."

The two spent the rest of the day teaching and learning Italian, being together, happy. Despite Ludwig's mood, there was a voice bothering him, making his head hurt.

_Why did he push you away? Does he hate you? Of course he hates you. He's only with you out of pity._

He managed to ignore it for most of the day, but by the time night came, it became unbearable.

Feliciano's head layed on Ludwig's shoulder, neither of them able to sleep.

"Uh, Feli?" The blond asked. "I have a question."

"_Si?"_

"Do... do you hate me? Are you only with me because you feel sorry for me?"

Feliciano's brows furrowed in worry and he frowned. "No, I don't hate you! I love you! I love you with all my heart, really! What makes you think such a thing?"

Ludwig turned on his side. "I just have those thoughts, sometimes. Don't worry about it?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, _mein schatzi. _Go to sleep."

Feliciano did eventually go to sleep.

He woke up in the middle of the night sweating, recovering from a nightmare. He turned to Ludwig and gently touched his chest.

He was alive.

* * *

**translations-**

**guten abend!- Good evening! (German)**

**il mio amore- My love (Italian)**

**Küss mich- Kiss me (German)**

**Schön, dich kennenzulernen- Nice to meet you (German)**

**liebe- Love (German)**

**E'bene- It's good (Italian)**

**Grazie- Thank you (Italian)**

**Te amo mucho- I love you very much (Italian)**

**Ich liebe dich auch- I love you too (German)**

**Si- Yes (Italian)**

* * *

**oh god this chapter was disgusting and terribly written gwahh**

**i'm so sorry damn ittttt**

**but hey at least feli and luddy are together**

**it only took**

**11 chapters**

**whooooo !**

**please leave a review, follow, or fave ! thanks for reading, and see you next chapter ! **


	12. Chapter 12

**so sorry for the late update! I was so busy with life, and working on my other story. Thank you for waiting!**

**I don't own hetalia! uwu**

* * *

Life was getting better.

Ludwig was slowly rebuilding himself, getting control of everything once again. He kept in close contact with Roderich, Francis, and Elizaveta. He and Feliciano were together, happy. Life was finally the way he wanted it, and there was nothing more he could ask for.

Feliciano hummed quietly as he sewed a shirt, a powerful mixture of violins, harps, flutes, and several other instruments the Italian couldn't name playing on the radio.

"The Berlin Philharmonic is so calming. Don't you think so, Ludwig?" He asked, raising the shirt in front of him. Ludwig, who was reading a book beside him, nodded.

"Yes, I must agree." The blond replied.

"Have you ever seen them at one of their shows? That would be magical!"

Ludwig thought for a moment. "Perhaps when I was young. Roderich probably took Gilbert and I to see them."

Feliciano sighed. "What was Gilbert like? Your _g__roßer bruder_?"

"My brother?" Ludwig set down his book and thought for a moment. "He was an idiot."

Feliciano giggled. "Continue!"

"Hm... he was very energetic. Always shouting and on the go. He could never sit still for long. He was also very arrogant. But if you got to know him, he was a very kind person. He was protective and always tried to make sure that I was alright. He and Roderich were great friends."

"So... he..."

"He was only twenty one when he killed himself. I was sixteen. He took a revolver and blew his brains out."

Feliciano flinched at how monotone Ludwig sounded, his blank expression. The blond spoke again.

"We were all devastated, but I think Elizaveta took it the worst. She loved him, after all. He was her guardian. It was after his death that Roderich got his act together, as well."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he was abusive. When Gilbert died, he realized how terribly he was treating Elizaveta. She wouldn't go back to him."

"And... how were you affected?"

Ludwig lamely shrugged. "I was depressed. I started drinking. I'm still traumatized by it. I haven't found a way to cope."

Feliciano frowned. "I don't think you should hold in your emotions anymore."

"Holding in my emotions is the only thing that's been keeping me alive before I met you," Ludwig sighed. "And even now, it still is. Do you... understand?"

Feliciano held his breath. "I do."

* * *

It was on the day of January 27, 1940 that Feliciano realized just how low Ludwig's sanity was. Because on the evening on that dreadful day, he had a mental breakdown.

He cried, wailed, and trembled. He spoke to someone who wasn't there. He begged and pleaded and even prayed, and Feliciano knew he wasn't religious. As soon as he saw Ludwig fall to his knees, clasp his hands together, and speak slowly in German, Feliciano knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

The next day, they went to the hospital. Ludwig didn't refuse. Waiting in the lobby was horible, because Feliciano was nervous and worried. His blond lover stared blankly at the ceiling, he looked as if all emotion was drained from his face. When their names were called for an available doctor, Feliciano had to pull Ludwig up and bring them upstairs.

The doctor, although older aged, was cheery and jolly, much to Feliciano's joy. He spoke English, with some German thrown here and there. The Italian understood completely.

"Now, tell me Ludwig," The doctor began. "Does your family have a history of any mental or physical illnesses?"

"Yes," Ludwig replied. Feliciano was relieved to know he was paying attention. "My mother. My mother has it too."

"Has what, if you don't mind me asking?"

The blond shrugged. "The same thing as me."

"Hm... what was your childhood like?"

Ludwig took a deep breath. "Traumatizing."

"In what way?"

"Well, my father... my father was abusive. Very."

"Please explain. This is important."

"Hm..." Ludwig thought for a moment. "He forced me to work. And beat me in front of my family. He called me weak, useless. A disappointment. He didn't hit my brother as much, not nearly as severely... only very, very rarely. For me, the smallest thing I did wrong and he'd beat me until blood ran down my back and I couldn't feel my limbs."

The doctor slowly nodded. "I see. So you were severly abused. For how long?"

"Hm... it's hard to say. It really started when I was around five. I think... eleven years."

Feliciano's blood went cold. "Over a decade of all that torture and abuse?"

Ludwig slowly nodded. "Yes."

"That's..." The brunet began to tremble. "That's horrible, I... I had no idea..."

"Not a lot of people do."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Ludwig stayed quiet. A few moments later, the doctor continued to speak.

"Any other events?"

"My brother killed himself. And my father killed himself, too. My mother was put in a mental hospital. My grandparents died. My aunt died. And now I'm here."

"I see."

The doctor took down notes and asked more question about Ludwig's past. Twice Feliciano had to walk out to get fresh air, finding it too much to see his lover in such a state. When it ended an hour later, the doctor bit his lip and shook his head.

"This... this is no good. No good at all." He said.

"What's wrong?" Feliciano asked, tightly gripping Ludwig's arm. "What does he have?"

The doctor raised an eyebrow at the two, but looked back at his notes. "I'm afraid he has a disease called schizophrenia."

"What... what is that?" Feliciano asked. Ludwig remained quiet.

"It's a fairly new disease, the term was made only thirty years ago. It's still being researched, but as far as we know, it's a mental disease in which one cannot distinguish what is real and what is imaginary. People with it often hear voices or see things, have trouble expressing their emotions, things like that. It's a tricky disease. We think it may be genetic. His mother showed similar symptoms to it."

Feliciano bit his lip. "Is there... is there any way to help him? To cure him?"

"While there is no cure, there are ways it can be controlled. He can go to therapy, of course."

"I'm not going." Ludwig finally said.

"Pardon?" The doctor asked.

"I'm not going to therapy. No."

"Don't you want help?"

The blond pursed his lips. "What kind of therapy?"

"Well, there is gas therapy, electroshock therapy... a slew of options you can choose from!"

"Give us some time to think about it," Feliciano said as he stood up. "Thank you."

The doctor nodded. "It is my job, after all."

* * *

Feliciano tried desperately to be there for Ludwig. Because he was unpredictable, a bomb ready to go off any minute. One day, he would be happy and cheerful, and show at least some emotion; the next, he'd stare at the wall, talking to people who didn't exist, his face blank and his voice monotone.

It was an understatement to say Feliciano was terrified.

He'd try to coax Ludwig to eat, because the blond was getting skinner from lack of eating. He struggled to get Ludwig to take a bath every day, and sometimes even getting him to speak proved to be a challenge. But Feliciano didn't give up. He couldn't.

By the tenth of February, Ludwig's condition only worsened. Days where he showed emotion became less common- but the tenth of February was one of the rare days where he smiled and conversed.

"I love you."

Feliciano looked up from his knitting and blinked once. "Excuse me?"

"I said I love you." Ludwig repeated. He sat next to the smaller Italian on the couch and smiled widely, almost unnaturally.

"I-I love you too!"

Ludwig chuckled and caught Feliciano by surprise by kissing him, passionately yet sincerely. Feliciano kissed back, having to cup Ludwig's cheek to keep the kiss controlled. He, however, soon lost control himself and wrapped his arms around Ludwig's strong neck, moaning quietly as their bodies pressed against each other. Feliciano could feel his body heat, hear his heartbeat, taste his smooth skin. When Ludwig's lips moved from his own to his neck, Feliciano gasped and bucked his hips gently.

"W-Wait, Ludwig..." The brunet whimpered.

"What is it?"

"I-It's... um..." Feliciano looked away. "Never mind. "

They soon moved to the bedroom where, in Feliciano's eyes, everything flashed so quickly. It was as if his or Ludwig's clothes were never on their bodies, as if they always lied on the floor. Ludwig's soft lips and firm eyes caressed Feliciano's smaller body, explored him, analyzed every little curve he had to offer. Ludwig took control the whole time, his large hands touching the Italian, and he was slightly scared that he would crush the brunet. He was gentle and tender, careful to not make any sudden movements.

Feliciano's heart beat like it was going to burst out of his chest, and he sweat from excitement. His breathed heavily, and every part of him tingled, from nervousness, from anxiety, from pleasure. He had never been touched in such a way since he was a child, a child so innocent, so naive, and he believed it when he was told it wasn't going to hurt. But he knew Ludwig wouldn't hurt him, never in a million years, not even in the afterlife, because Ludwig loved him too much to ever do that.

When they joined, it was painful, and Feliciano struggled to hold in tears and screams, supressed shouts that told Ludwig he felt like he was being ripped apart. They embraced for a moment, and a moment was all they needed before Ludwig could start moving, and it was then Feliciano felt a kind of bliss he had never felt before. He felt like he was flying, being taken away to somewhere magical, somewhere only he and Ludwig lived and loved in peace and serenity. Feliciano loved it, and his moans were plenty proof.

The whole house seemed to shake, but neither of them cared, because the pleasure they were experiencing made all their thoughts fuzzy, and was so intense all they could mutter was broken sentences of love in their mother tongue. Feliciano could feel it, feel that he was close to his climax, and when it came, he moaned in pure ecstasy, his stomach fluttering and his heart pounding.

Both of them were exhausted by the time their love making ended, lying next to each other. Feliciano was still surprised how he seemed to melt perfectly in Ludwig's strong arms. They fell asleep, and it was the last time they'd see each other smile.

* * *

The following morning, Ludwig was back to his emotionless state, as if the night before never happened. There was a knock on the door, and Feliciano stood up to open it.

He gasped at who it was.

Two soldiers, wearing leather trench coats, a swastica band on their arms, stood in the doorway. Frowns were plastered on their faces and they carried a large rifle each.

"Where is Ludwig Beilschmidt?" One soldier asked. Feliciano hesitated.

"He, uh, he's..."

The soldier peered over Feliciano and frowned. The Italian wanted to kick himself. Ludwig sat in the corner, talking to himself.

"Is that him?" The other soldier asked. Feliciano slowly nodded and yelped as they both pushed past and grabbed Ludwig. The blond looked at them.

"What?" He asked.

"You're coming with us."

"Why?"

Neither replied. They dragged Ludwig out the flat and, quite literally, threw him to the ground.

"Ludwig!" Feliciano cried, running to him and kneeling beside him. The blond groaned and glared at the two soldiers.

"What do you want?" He growled.

"You swine." One of the soldiers hissed, grabbing Ludwig's arm and forcing him up.

"As for you!" The other said. He tightly gripped Feliciano's hair, causing him to scream in pain. "You disgusting fag."

He slammed Feliciano against the concrete and smirked wickedly as he roughly kicked him, the Italian coughing up blood. The assault continued, the solider kicking, punching, spitting on Feliciano, the other forcing Ludwig to look.

"Leave him alone!" The blond begged, tears forming in his eyes. "Please! He didn't do anything!"

"Alright. He's had enough."

The soldier scowled and walked over to Ludwig, smirking as he slapped the blond's cheek, leaving a bright red mark. Feliciano slowly looked up, his face bloody and bruised, his eye black and his hair a mess.

"L-Ludwig...?"

"Come with us." The abusive soldier said, pushing Ludwig forward. Tears spilling over, he looked back at his beaten lover, struggling against the soldiers.

"F-Feliciano! Feli!"

The Italian didn't say anything, simply watched as he was thrown into a truck, and taken away.

Feliciano's heart broke in a million pieces, because he knew exactly what was going to happen, unsure if he'd see his lover again.

* * *

**cliffy whooo! sorry about that i just really wanted to finish this! i think next chapter will be longer! please, leave a review, fave, or follow! thank you!**


	13. Chapter 13

**hey guys! sorry for updating slow but my brother is back home from college, so expect slower updates /3 my summer is going to be very busy but i'll try to update as soon as possible! **

**i don't own hetalia! uwu**

* * *

Feliciano trembled, laying by himself in the bed that was once occupied by him and his German lover. He wrapped a blanket around him, trying to control the tears streaming down his face. Like waterfalls, they were non-stop. His face, still bloodied and broken, stung from his salty tears.

But there was nothing that hurt more than his broken heart and soul.

He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped, prayed that everything was just a dream, and when he opened them he'd be in Ludwig's strong arms, smiling and happy. Because even if Ludwig had a disease that couldn't be cured, Feliciano still loved him like he had never loved anything before.

He slowly stood up from the bed and made his way to the living room, where he kept his art supplies. He set up the easel, put on a canvas, and took out his drawing utensils from underneath the couch. His vision blurry from his running tears, he put his distraught mind to work, and his hands moved to the sound of his sobs.

* * *

Ludwig was terrified. Sitting in the back of the truck, he looked around nervously. The back was terribly cramped, he had to hunch over in order to keep his head from hitting the ceiling. He got on his knees and looked out the window, seeing the lonely streets of Frankfurt pass by him.

"Where am I going?" He asked.

"Your doctor informed us of your condition," A soldier replied darkly. "You're going to a special place just for people like you."

Ludwig began to panic. His eyes darted around, as if he could find some sort of exit. He knew there was none, which caused him to groan and hold his head in his hands.

"Feliciano," He muttered quietly. "I love you."

* * *

The drive seemed to take hours. Ludwig, who had fallen asleep, was awoken by the sound of screaming soldiers. He stumbled out of the truck, taking a deep breath of air. His head felt light and his back ached. Ludwig took a look at his surroundings. It was evening time, the stars twinkling, despite the ear-splitting noise around him. Shouts filled the air, along with the sounds of train engines and running cars. A train station. He was at a train station.

"Over here!" A soldier yelled. Ludwig grunted as he was pushed into a line of people. He scanned the area, and patted the shoulder of the person in front of him.

"Excuse me, but where am I?"

The person turned around, Ludwig immediately felt intimidated. The man couldn't be any older than he, but he was taller and had a baby face. His eyes were a shade Ludwig never saw before, violet, and his hair was the lightest shade of blond.

"You're in hell." The man said bluntly before turning back around, adjusting the faded pink scarf around his neck.

"I don't understand." Ludwig replied.

"Are you a Jew?" The man asked.

"N-No, I'm Protestant."

The man's violet eyes scanned Ludwig, and the German suddenly became uncomfortable.

"You don't look like you have polio or paralysis. Are you like me?"

"Like you? I don't- what?"

The man pointed to his head. "Are you sick here?"

Ludwig's breath hitched. Was he sick? He certainly didn't feel sick. But then he remembered. He remembered the doctor, Feliciano crying.

"Schizophrenia..." He said underneath his breath. Although the man's expression remained neutral, his eyes seemed to light up.

"So you are like me!" He chirped. "I have the same thing, too! My name is Ivan Braginsky. What is yours, stranger?"

"Uh, Ludwig Beilschmidt. It's, uh, nice to meet you."

Ivan held out his hand, and Ludwig shook it, though he immediately regretted that decision, because Ivan's grip was firm and strong and Ludwig thought his fingers were going to be crushed.

"Wait a minute," The blue eyed man said. "You don't sound like your German. You have an accent."

"_Da_, I do! You noticed it! I'm from Arkhangelsk."

"Hm... I've never heard of that."

"Of course not. It's in Russia, near Moscow. Sort of."

"Russia?" Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing all the way out here?"

"I always wanted to be a farmer. But it's so cold in Russia, so I moved here last year and worked in a factory instead. But when I was diagnosed, I was fired, kicked into the ghettos, and now I'm here."

"That's terrible..." Ludwig looked at his feet.

"It is. What's your story?"

"It's a long one."

Before Ivan had a chance to reply, the soldier's shouts burst through the air, and the line began moving. Ludwig grunted as he was pushed against Ivan, and the two found themselves in a cramped train car. There were wooden planks hanging on the walls, serving as beds. Ludwig and Ivan made their way to the back of the train, and settled on bottom planks.

"Where the hell are we going?" The German asked, taking off his jacket and balling it into a makeshift pillow.

"I wish I knew," Ivan replied with a quiet sigh. "So you were saying. Your story?"

"Uh, um, well, I was born in Berlin. My family was very wealthy. My father owned a powerful company. I had an older brother who looked absolutely nothing like me. My father was very abusive towards me."

"Oh?" Ivan asked.

"Yes. When I was sixteen, my brother killed himself. A few months later, my father also killed himself. My mother went insane and was sent to an asylum in Lorraine, France. So I was left alone. I graduated early and went to university in Frankfurt to become a doctor."

"Is that so? Interesting. Continue!"

Ludwig sighed. "The craziest thing happened to me. While I was boarding a train to Frankfurt, because I was in Berlin for vacation, I met a man, an artist. He was so... energetic. And childish. Yet, I ended up falling in love with him. I spent months searching for him, and finally we reunited and... I had the greatest time of my life being with him. But earlier today we were ripped apart from one another..." He frowned.

"Being separated from your love must be one of the most traumatizing experiences one can go through." Ivan said. Ludwig slowly nodded.

"Sadly, that is true."

* * *

Ludwig struggled to fall asleep. The train shook and a wretched smell wafted through the air. The car was loud, filled with the moans and whimpers of the other people. He looked over at Ivan, who was curled into a ball, quietly snoring away. Ludwig wondered how he could sleep through all the noise.

He turned on his side and tried to think of Feliciano. He thought of his soft brown hair and his kind smile and how he smelled of spices. He thought of Feliciano's soft voice and eccentric personality. He thought of hugging Feliciano, kissing him, loving him, being with him. Ludwig tried to dream, but the last thing he saw was the bruised face of his lover, and how he couldn't save him.

That night, Ludwig prayed for his guardian angel.

* * *

Ludwig, groggy and exhausted, was awoken to soldiers forcing the people on the train out. He stumbled off the plank and grabbed his jacket, and shook Ivan until the larger man awoke. He sat up and hit his head on the above plank, hissing in pain.

"Have we arrived?" He asked, rubbing his aching forehead. Ludwig nodded.

"Yes. Come, they're pushing everyone out."

Ivan stayed close to Ludwig as they shuffled out of the train, onto the platform. As soon as he stepped outside, a chilling wind pricked Ludwig's skin, and he shivered, holding his jacket close to him.

"I-It's freezing." Ludwig shivered.

"Yes, I must admit, even I am a bit chilly." Ivan said calmly. "Where are we?"

Ludwig looked around. The area was remote, with mountains rising in the distance. The sky was grey with clouds, and he wasn't sure if it was going to rain or snow.

"Perhaps upper Germany, or Austria. I'm not entirely sure."

When a gunshot suddenly fired, Ludwig and Ivan, along with a countless number of other people, were pushed along the platform. They continued walking until they were in a field of dead grass, where there were several military trucks waiting. Soldiers yelled and pushed people into the backs of the trucks. One grabbed Ivan's arm and shouted at him, where he struggled to pull away.

"_Ya ni panimaju!" _He cried, looking like he was on the verge of tears. Ludwig placed a hand on his shoulder and told the soldier something, in which the man snorted and jerked his thumb in the direction of a truck. Ivan and Ludwig quickly made their way to the truck, and climbed into the back, where they sat on the bench.

"Where are they taking us?" Ivan asked, his body trembling.

"I don't know. A-Are you scared as I am, though?" Ludwig replied, his voice becoming a whisper. Ivan slowly nodded.

"Perhaps even more."

* * *

The truck ride was terrible. It shook heavily, and smelled of urine and feces, and Ludwig had a horrid migraine that worsened with every cry a person let out. The inside was hot and musty, and they began to stick to each other. Ludwig noticed Ivan seemed unfazed- his eyes lifeless and his expression neutral. The truck stopped abruptly, and Ludwig grunted as he was thrown against the wall. The doors opened, and the soldiers shouted for everyone to get out, in which they quickly did. Ludwig looked around and saw that he was in a courtyard- looking behind him, there was a huge, magnificent beige castle towering tall above them. Everyone was pushed through a large pair of wooden doors, and the disgusting scent of death entered Ludwig's nose. Before he could get a sense of the area, a sharp pain hit the back of his neck, and everything went to black.

* * *

Ludwig awoke with a jolt. He breathed quickly, like there was no oxygen left. Once his lungs and heart calmed down, he stood up, but found himself unable to do so- his wrists were in chains. Ludwig looked down and saw that he was in a pale blue gown. The room he was in was almost pitch black, only having a single light bulb hang from the ceiling, with no windows and a dirt floor. The light bulb flickered, and Ludwig began to panic. The metal door creaked open, and two soldiers stood in the doorway.

"Up." One growled. Ludwig slowly and shakily stood up and walked out of the room, gasping as the soldiers stood on either side of him and gripped his arms. They pushed him forward, forcing him to walk down the dimly lit and dirty hall. Blood was splattered on the walls and the smell made him want to faint.

"Where are you taking me?" Ludwig asked, his voice filled with fear. "Where am I? What is this?"

"_Sei ruhig." _The soldier replied. He practically shoved Ludwig forward, the blond almost stumbled to the floor. They stopped in front of a black metal door, and Ludwig's blood ran cold. One soldier opened it, and it was a pure white room with a metal operating table in the middle.

"W-What is this? What...?"

A man wearing a white lab coat, his hair dark blond and messy, smirked evilly as he pulled a pair of rubber gloves over his hands.

"It is finally your turn! Come come, sit down."

Ludwig slowly walked over to the table and sat on it, shivering at how cold it felt. He flinched as the door slammed shut, and he heard a small click.

"What are you going to do?" He asked. The man chuckled and walked around the table, examining him. Ludwig could feel the doctor's eyes undressing him- and he felt sick to his stomach.

"There are some... special people," The doctor began. "Special people who don't exactly belong in Germany. And it's our job that we make sure those special people don't make _more _people like them. Do you get what am I saying?"

Ludwig's eyes widened. "Are you... going to k-kill me?"

"Oh, no no no! Of course not!" The doctor smirked and tightly cupped Ludwig's cheeks. "You're too beautiful for that," He licked his lips. "Your eyes are a gorgeous shade of blue. And your hair and skin is so soft. You're very well built, and your voice is so masculine. You're _perfect._"

"What're you trying to say...?"

"I'm going to perform an experiment on you. Tell me your basic information. Name, age, birthday."

"M-My name is Ludwig Beilschmidt," The blond gulped. "I-I'm twenty two years old and... my birthday is the third of october..."

The doctor nodded and wrote it down. "I see, I see. And you are schizophrenic?"

The term made Ludwig's heart stop. "Y-Yes. I... yes..."

"Okay. Now, lay down."

Ludwig did as he was told, and folded his hands on his chest, beginning to tremble. The doctor came back around and smiled sweetly as he stroked Ludwig's cheek with the back of his hand, and held up a scalpel.

"I'm going to make a small incision. Don't worry, it won't hurt. Just focus on me and it'll all be over in less than a second."

* * *

Ludwig wondered how he was still alive. It was a miracle. An absolute miracle. Blood covered the table, his hospital gown, his lower body. He blinked slowly and stared at the white ceiling. Suddenly, he was in his room. The one thing he missed most, out of everything, was Feliciano. Because Feliciano loved him, and completed him, and there was no one or nothing so perfect than his little Italian.

He wondered if Feliciano missed him; if Feliciano was crying and praying for him to come home so they could be together again, because after being separated for so long, the fact they were apart from each other again just wasn't fair.

Ludwig wanted to scream. He wanted to yell and cry and punch a wall. Because the only thing he could do while the doctor cut him up and spoke to him and touched him was watch. Letting tears fall, saying something, wasn't an option. Because there'd only be more pain. And while Ludwig was used to pain, this was different. He had never felt so useless, so hopeless, so defenseless in his life. All those times his father whipped him, he could heal. Ludwig wasn't sure if he could heal from this. It was to hard to tell. To difficult to think about.

But he knew, if he could reverse time, he would've killed himself a long time ago.

* * *

It had been long. Far too long. Over a month since Ludwig was ripped from his arms- Feliciano thought he was going to lose his mind. He was tired of waking up every morning alone in the bed, he was tired of crying, and he was tired of waiting. But Feliciano refused to give up. Everyday he tried to occupy himself by painting, or volunteering at a local church. Everyday, he went to bed the same way- saying a prayer and crying himself to sleep.

He worked on the painting, the painting of him and Ludwig together, embracing lovingly. It made tears prick his eyes, and it broke his heart each time he looked at it. But he knew, as soon as Ludwig got home, he'd love it.

* * *

There was always a sharp pain the coursed through Ludwig's abdomen. He pushed through it, though, despite how horrible it was. He was forced to work- at the cafeteria, where he had to feed the other prisoners a disgusting pile of what would barely qualify as food. He was surprised he hasn't been killed- perhaps it was because he was seen as useful, with his strong build and intelligence. Over the month, he and Ivan had become good friends, although he was starting to see Ivan less. This made him worry, but not too much. All he cared about was Feliciano, and that he'd escape. Every night he prayed that someone would save him, and he'd forget everything, and just live happily.

Once. Just once.

* * *

**translations-**

**Da!- Yes! (Russian)**

**Ya ni panimaju!- I don't understand! (Russian)**

**Sei ruhig- Be quiet (German)**

* * *

**I sort of tried to drag out this chapter and I'm sorry! If you want an idea of where Luddy is, it's Hartheim Castle in Austria. go google it! but um, yeah, I hope you enjoyed this! please leave a review, fave, or follow! thank you!**


	14. Chapter 14

**WOW HI GUYS it's been 5ever since i updated**

**i'm so sorry i was really busy oh gosh. but i have a little more time now! also i had a mild writer's block uwu;; sorry! but here i am!**

**i don't own hetalia or any mentioned products!**

* * *

Ludwig was lying on the floor almost lifelessly, staring at the wall when the metal door opened. Two soldiers stepped in and forced him up. He didn't resist.

"Am I getting another 'treatment'?" He asked monotonously. One of the soldiers scoffed and shook his head.

"You're getting out."

Ludwig's eyes widened. "A-Are you serious?!"

"Yes."

It was a miracle when he was taken to a room where his clothes and shoes were waiting for him. He awkwardly took off his hospital gown and changed into his clothes, the soldiers watching him. He was taken to the entrance doors, and the soldiers pushed him forward.

"W-Why am I being released?" He asked.

"Get out before we change our mind." One of the soldiers replied. Ludwig quickly nodded and scrambled out the hospital, looking behind him at the looming building.

"Ludwig."

The blond turned around and almost choked on his breath. "R-Roderich...?" He asked breathlessly. Roderich held out his arms, and Ludwig almost tackled him to the ground, burying his head into the crook of his neck.

"_Mein gott, _Roderich... how- why are you here?"

"I can't tell you now. Later. We have to go now. We have a train to catch."

* * *

Ludwig anxiously shook his leg as Roderich gently sipped his tea.

"Now," He began. "I understand why you're surprised to see me. To be honest-"

"Get to the point already!" Ludwig snapped. Roderich sighed and frowned, and looked out of the moving train window.

"I was able to convince the hospital to let you out."

"How?"

"I'll tell you another time. What did they do to you?"

"They treated me like we were animals. No, us," Ludwig hissed. "They experimented on me a-and touched me and..." His expression became a bit panicked. "And sterilized me..."

Roderich slowly nodded. "I-I see..."

"I want to go home," Ludwig said, hugging himself, his body trembling. "Please tell me we're going home."

"We are, Ludwig. We're going home."

* * *

Ludwig quite literally fell into his house, lying on the floor for a few minutes. He sighed deeply in relief, with Roderich standing behind him.

"Are you okay?" The brunet asked. Ludwig nodded. He sat up and looked around, then turned to Roderich.

"Where's Feliciano?"

The bespectacled man's blood suddenly ran cold. He took a deep breath and sat on the couch.

"Come sit next to me." He said. Ludwig raised an eyebrow, but did as he was told, and took a seat next to his cousin.

"Okay. Where's Feliciano?" He repeated.

"Feliciano... left," Roderich replied. "H-He said he's going to Barcelona."

"What? Spain?" Ludwig asked, his eyes going wide. "But... why...?"

"Well, he... he still loves you. He really, truly does. But after seeing you be torn away from him like that, I guess the emotional turmoil was too much for him. He needs some closure."

Ludwig gripped Roderich's shirt. "Will he be back?! How long is he leaving for? Please, please tell me he'll be back!"

"He didn't say. I'm sorry..."

"He... left me again?"

Roderich frowned. "He's scared and confused. He doesn't know what to do."

"Why didn't you convince him to stay?!"

"Because I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do! He wanted to leave you because he was in pain!"

The blond's eyes watered. "He hates me, doesn't he?"

"What? No. No, Feliciano doesn't hate-"

"He does! If he didn't, then he'd wait for me! They were right..." Ludwig shook his head. "They were right all along..." He stood up, his body trembling. "Will it be worth it if I look for him?"

"You've gone through a lot, Ludwig," Roderich said. "You should rest for now. Calm down. Just... relax."

"I just don't get it. I thought he loved me. He said he did, a-and we were happy. W-Was he lying to me all this time?"

"No. He wasn't. I told you, he needed closure."

"Closure from what?! From what, Roderich?!"

The brunet flinched and looked around nervously. "I-I don't know."

"There you have it. He hates me. How long ago did he leave?"

"About a week ago, I'm afraid."

Ludwig's lip quivered. "A week ago..." He chocked out, and slowly nodded. "I-I see. Thank you, then... f-for telling me... and thank you again for releasing me. Really."

Roderich nodded. "Look, I understand you're heartbroken. I understand completely. So why not get some sleep? You look exhausted."

"I am, I..." The blond sighed and trudged to his bedroom. "Good night."

"Ah, but it's only 4:30."

The door slammed shut. In his room, Ludwig kicked off his shoes and plopped onto his bed. Despite his desperate need to, he couldn't cry. He stayed like that, motionless, thinking only of the good times he shared with Feliciano. Language lessons. Cooking. Watching him lovingly as he fell asleep. And that feeling he experienced, his heart racing and his stomach twisting and his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, it was terribly overwhelming. He missed his happiness. He missed Feliciano. He felt empty, and alone, and lost. At the same time, he felt angry and depressed and wanted to yell at something, someone. He tightly gripped the bedsheets as tears leaked down his face because everything he was thinking and feeling was just too much for him to handle.

He struggled to hold back a sob as his body shook. It hurt to cry because he had done it so much. Ludwig sat up and threw a pillow at the wall in fury and heartbreak. He threw another, and another, and opened the drawers next to the nightstand to look for anything, and he threw those as well. He yelled as he hurled the drawers themselves at the wall, breaking a few. He destroyed his room, and tugged at his hair, pulling out a few strands before falling to his knees as a pathetic, sobbing heap.

Hearing the commotion, Roderich barged inside, and covered his mouth with his hand at the sight.

"Ludwig..." He whispered, slowly going over to his cousin and kneeling down beside him. He wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulder.

"Leave me alone." Ludwig quietly muttered, keeping his head down.

"Please, I-I just want to help."

"If you want to help me, then leave me alone!"

"You're troubled. And you're hurt. I know how it is, Ludwig. Just listen to me, please."

"I said leave me alone!"

The brunet pursed his lips and deeply sighed before standing up. "Okay. I'll leave you alone. But I'm going to cook for you- ah, us."

Ludwig didn't respond. Roderich, a bit hurt by this, stood up and made his way to the door.

"I love you." He said before walking out of the room.

* * *

It was the first time in years Roderich and Elizaveta were in the same area with each other. But it was all for Ludwig.

"Um," Francis began, twiddling with his thumbs, trying to break the awkward atmosphere. "I-I made some soup in case you want to feed it to him..."

Elizaveta nodded and stood up. She made her way to Ludwig's room, where she slowly opened the door and walked over to the bundle on the bed.

"Luddy?" She spoke softly, placing a gentle hand on his head. "It's time to wake up now. Francis is here! He made some soup for you."

The blond didn't move. Elizaveta forced a smile and continued.

"Please get up. You haven't eaten or showered in three days. Aren't you starving by now? And you're starting to develop a smell, too. Please, Ludwig, we're worried sick about you."

"I'd rather die." He coldly muttered.

"Don't say that. I-I know you're depression... I mean, I understand how-"

"No, you don't. You don't understand," Ludwig turned to her, his eyes red and dark circles completely engulfing their underside. "You don't understand. Have you been heartbroken and cried as much as I have? Have you been betrayed by your love twice, torn away from them? Have you been taken to a-a hellhole and _sterilized? _Obviously not, because you, Elizaveta, you're so perfect. You're lovely and pretty and just so damn perfect and everyone loves you. So you don't understand and you never will!"

Elizaveta frowned and sat up, tears pricking her forest green eyes. "You're right," She said, her voice shaky, yet stern. "I haven't been through the exact things you have. My life hasn't been as hard as yours. But don't you _dare_ say that I don't understand you, because I do. All those years before Roderich changed, when he was whipping me and forcing me to pleasure him, I cried. I cried every single day, hoping for an angel to come and save me. And you have no idea how many times the idea of killing myself crossed my mind. When Gilbert died, I felt like a part of me was torn straight out of me. I felt like he took my heart with him to the grave. I loved him like I've loved nothing or no one else, and the fact he left me, just like how Feliciano left you, was devastating, and just saying that is an understatement. When I had my first miscarriage with Roderich and my second with Gilbert, I felt like there was no reason to live anymore. So, yes, maybe I don't understand you. But I understand what you've been through and how you're feeling."

Ludwig sat up, cringing slightly as his neck and elbows popped. "I-I didn't know you..."

Elizaveta wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sat on the bed beside him.

"I did," She muttered. "They were both little boys. I wanted a daughter, but I didn't mind. They were going to be beautiful."

"What were their names?"

"Roderich wanted to name him Fabian, and Gilbert wanted Jakab."

"Right..." Ludwig said. "You're older than Gilbert."

"Yes," Elizaveta took a deep breath. "When I found out I miscarried, I was much like you for a long time."

"A-Are you going to try again? With Francis?"

"As much as I want to..." Elizaveta looked at her lap. "I'm terrified of miscarrying again. I can't go through that. Not again. It would be too much for me to handle."

"Well... third time's a charm, yes?"

"I'd love to have a little girl," Elizaveta sighed. "Name her Juliette or Victoria. And we'd have so much fun together... me and her and her father..."

"Maybe you should try again."

"I don't think I can." She said. She stood up and shakily sighed. "Do you want to eat now?"

"I-I think so..." Ludwig replied. "Yes."

* * *

"You're eating again. That's good." Roderich said.

The three watched as Ludwig took small spoonfuls of the soup Francis made into his mouth.

"What?" He asked, looking between the three.

"You look... tired," Francis said. "How much sleep have you been getting?"

Ludwig frowned. "None."

"Have you tried to fall asleep?"

"That's a ridiculous question. Of course I have. I just can't stop thinking about Feliciano. I've been meaning to ask, why are you here, Francis?"

"Elizaveta thought I could help you," Francis explained. "And I'll try my very best."

Ludwig sighed and shook his head. "You're wasting your time."

"Don't say that. We want to help you." Roderich replied.

"If you're trying to make me get over Feliciano, it won't be so easy. Like I said, you're wasting your time."

"We're not," Roderich said. "We want to help you. We're going to help you."

"I appreciate your concern, but-"

"No more excuses! We're not leaving you, Ludwig. You don't have to be alone anymore."

The blond's eyes slightly widened and he looked down. "I don't know how I should feel," He muttered. "Angry because you won't leave me alone, or grateful that you're willing to help me like this..."

Elizaveta put her hand over his and gently squeezed it. "We love you, Ludwig. Please remember that." She gave a sad, yet reassuring smile.

"I want to find him. I still love him..."

Francis frowned. "That might not be for the best."

"Why not?!"

"You should at least wait for a bit," The Frenchman said. "Maybe he'll be back."

Ludwig stood up. "I have to look for him. I left first-"

"Against your will!" Elizaveta said.

"I left him alone and in pain! I have to find him."

Roderich sighed. "Do what you want, Ludwig. We're trying to make you face the facts."

The blond scoffed as he stormed out the kitchen, and to his bedroom, where he plopped on the couch.

"Feliciano," He whispered underneath his breath. "I'll come back for you."

* * *

**/whispers foreshadowinggggg**

**ahHHH HE SAID IT YE s**

**i'm so sorry this chapter was disgusting and uber short. i tried to drag it out but did a horrible job ah... **

**thanks for reading, and please leave a fave, follow, or reviews! they're all greatly appreciated uwu thank you!**


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